Where are my flowers?

I'm 33 years old... I have been in one semi-serious relationship that was leading to marriage and then a string of dates here and there (mostly on Tinder and the guys say bye bye if the result of said date does not come to sex. I do say good riddance to that). 

I have never been wooed by a guy. Never been given flowers or a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day. Is it because most men think fat girls are easy and that they should be grateful for any kind of attention they get so why bother with the whole wooing and dating? Lets just shut her pie hole with some food and get down to business. The so called "Business" is all very good but when the clothes come back on, there is a void and a string of lingering questions, "Am I really easy? Am I really not worth the effort or wait?"

Does my size really matter when it comes to romance? I know it shouldn't but seriously where are my flowers? Where is my candle light dinner? Where is my surprise weekend getaway? Where are my love letters? 

For a moment I decided to behave like a complete asshole (well like a man really haha) and adopt the "catch and release" policy when it came to dating and romance. But that's not me... I want to be wooed. I deserve to be wooed. I deserve those flowers. I deserve my hand to be held in public. I deserved to be kissed in public. 

I have never been on that side and I so want to be. I would love a good solid relationship with a man who knows what he's doing in life and not depend on a woman to pay his coffee/dinner bills. I have been that person and thought of well at least it's a date. (Not that I want a man to pay my bills... I believe in going dutch unless it's an invitation).

Besides being a curvy goddess, I am a strong, independent woman and it's a chore when you have to be your own Knight in shinning armor... more like Knight in white satin (you see what I did there Moody Blues fans? hehehe) Do guys fall for the damsel in distress because they feel more manly? Do I need to be one of those women who need to "have a man around to do the manly jobs"? I can open my own jar of pickles and swing a hammer when I have to. 

Most of the fat/overweight women I have come across have been strong and independent 

and have never been the damsel in distress because no one has given us that chance to be vulnerable. I even question if a guy shows genuine interest because I have been on the receiving end of a cruel "I really really like you" joke by a guy when I was very very young. Plus there are people who will always say shit like "How did she end up with him? He's so hot! He deserves better!" Honestly, I don't care about them but would he? Would he actually think that he deserves a prettier woman? Because I have been out on a date where a guy actually was staring at other women. Do we fat and independent women really deserve these jerks instead of flowers?

Love

    

It takes a lifetime to understand love. It is the simplest thing when it's between a parent and a child, between siblings, between friends and even the unconditional love of an animal towards a human being. 

But what of the other love? The one that makes your heart race a mile a minute? The kind that makes you want to run around trees and sing songs like in Bollywood movies? The kind you read about in books? The kind what Bryan Adams songs are all about?

This kind of love lifts you up one minute and makes you crash land the next. Love destroys you! But this is the kind of destruction you inflict upon yourself because for that nano-second it feels so amazing, that nothing else matters when you fall into it. 

Someone recently sent me a beautiful quote that reminded them of me; "You don't need a man, you need a goddamn warrior. Because you aren't just a woman, you're a goddamn goddess!" I was overwhelmed when I read that (and fiercely blushing in the middle of a Starbucks) because as much as I see myself as a strong and beautiful woman, I never really saw myself as a goddess. And it feels so good being called a goddess. Perfect I am not but a goddess... you're goddamn right I am and I do want a goddamned warrior because to love me is to fight for me and I don't mean in a physical fight... (although how hilariously cool would it be if it were a sword fight?). 

Loving me is easy and hard. The easy part is well... easy... I'm fun, I can be the best friend a guy can have, I give some really good hugs, I'm a fantastic cook, there will be a lot of laughter... to name a few. 

The hard part of loving me... I can be a little complicated, messy with issues but who isn't? We all are a little damaged because of our past but neither of us need anyone to fix us because all the fixing is done by ourselves. It gets easy when someone is there by our side. Seeing the flaws and still loving me. Seeing my scars (physical and emotional) and still loving me. It makes you want to change... not for that person but for yourself.

I am also not the conventional looking, arm-candy most men go for. The world will probably say, "What's he doing with someone like her?" I frankly won't care but what if he does? That's where the warrior comes in. Will he fight the world for me? Will he pick me up when someone knocks me down or stay on their side and make them change me because he's afraid of what they might think?

It's a great feeling to be in love and I've been in love before and I will again no matter how many times it may hurt. It's beautiful and totally worth it!

Mindspill: Let yourself fall in love even if you've been burned/rejected/hurt/destroyed in the past.

15 Things “Big Girls” are tired of hearing

I came across this hilarious article on a Facebook group called Voluptuous Vixens. It makes so much sense and yes we are so tired of hearing all those stupid stereotypical comments from family, friends and even strangers. The link to the article is at the bottom of this post. But here are my two cents on the 15 points. There are really 14 so I added point 15.

1.    “You’re not fat”: Yes I am. I have a big belly, chunky butt, huge tatas, fat arms, thick thighs and chubby calves (I have also been told I have delicious shoulders *giggles*) Fat is not a bad word that I find offensive. Calling me a fat bitch on the other hand…

  

2.    “I know you’re hungry”: Because if I don’t get fed every hour I turn violent and will eat puppies. Is that it??

3.    “Are you pregnant?”: Yes. It’s my 18^th month. *rolls eyes* Even skinny women with a little belly should never be asked that.

4.    “You have a pretty face”: Oh I have heard this so many times and it’s always followed by, “If only you would lose some weight you would look so beautiful”. Um eff you… but I think I am beautiful no matter what you or society says.

5.    “I just can’t gain weight”: Why do skinny chicks think that big girls are some expert on weight gain? Here’s some unsolicited advice… eat bacon. It’s annoying right? We feel the same way when you say, “Eat a salad”.

6.    “Just don’t eat so much”: Why is being fat always related to food? There is genetics, polycystic ovaries, side effects of medication being three reasons that make people gain weight. I have seen skinny people eat so much and not put on any weight. It’s called metabolism.

7.    “How did you let yourself get that big?”: It’s the same as asking, “Why are you so fat?” My response has always been, “Because I like to eat”. I also like the answer that was given in the article.

8.    “You should exercise”: Really? What is that runny, jumpy thing I do then?

9.     “Sure you want to eat that?”: Oh I give a big eff you to those people. So many times I have not eaten dessert because the food police thought a piece of cake would immediately increase their weight because they will also be tempted to eat it. Yeah… eff you. I’m gonna eat that piece of cake and no I won’t run like a mad person on the treadmill the next day to shed it off.

10.  “Have you tried this diet?”: Yes I have. And no I don’t like the taste of lettuce that’s why I don’t eat it. I eat a well balanced meal that has all the nutrients I need.

11. “Men only use fat women”: I think men use all kinds of women. Fat, thin, short, tall, bald, hairy, old, young… they want us all. They even want lesbians. Yes, there are some freaks out there who are ashamed to be seen in public with a fat woman and just use her in the bedroom. Those are called assholes.

12. “I have someone I want you to meet”: And it’s always a fat guy. I did date a fat guy and sure we looked good together because he was handsome and I’m effing gorgeous. But fat boy wanted me to lose weight so he could show the world that he had a beautiful partner. He also said it would be “for my own good” and that my “health will be better”. So I told him that if I do it, he has to do it too. And he thought he was perfect the way he was *rolls eyes* Mr. Personality he was not. Honestly, I like skinny guys. Do not judge me! You would not judge a skinny woman if she made that statement. Just like some people like blondes and some like brunettes, I just happen to like skinny guys. It’s a preference. Not that I don’t find fat or muscular guys attractive but they are not my type. My last couples of crushes have all been skinny and dorky. Hey… maybe I like dorks.

13. “You’re not healthy”: And just what is your definition of health? People say my weight will lead to all sorts of diseases… it might if I ate fried and sugary food every day and did not move my ass around. Well guess what? Skinny people also get diabetes. Skinny people also get heart disease. Skinny people are also unhealthy. So get off your high horse and respect heath at every size.

14. “Hey “Big Girl!””: I have no problem if you call me that. Don’t add the word “bitch” after “big”.

15. “Why don’t you get a weight loss surgery?”: I don’t judge people who get it done but it’s not for me. People have suggested me to do a gastric bypass only by looking at my outer appearance. I even considered it. But after I did a full research about the surgery and the side effects I decided not to get it done because it’s not worth it. 

365 Days of You

365 Days of You

Our paths collided in a place I had not been in a long time

Our eyes met while doing the most mundane task

Fate pushed me to be by your side

Your voice was so soothing, I was immediately at peace

Your touch was so gentle, I didn’t want to let go

Our thoughts were meshing into a beautiful friendship

Your sadness pierced my heart as my own

You got rid of my sadness with encouraging words

You saw the winner in me when I felt like the biggest loser

In a room full of beautiful people, you made this clown feel like a princess

Everyone is a blurry shape as you enter a room

Every sound is white noise when you speak

Even your silhouette puts a smile on my face

When you smile, I feel like the whole world is smiling at me

I don’t know what your feelings are towards me, but I am sure about mine

Your friendship means the world to me, so I keep my feelings locked inside my heart

The love you have for me, might not be the same I have for you

But I will carry it with me for the rest of my life

Spring has sprung and so have I

2013 was an eye opening year for me. At the end of the year, I was in a relationship. Why I was in it, I still don't know. Was I lonely? Did I think it's time for me to settle down and start a family life because I was already 30 and single? Was it because I thought I don't have anything else going on in my life? Was it just convenient to give up on a career I thought I would never have and settle down with a man who would provide for me and life would be easy? Was it because he was the first guy ever who asked me to marry him and scared I will never find anyone else?

The answer to that is all of the above. At the end of last year I was feeling very low. I was (still am) unemployed, I was single, I was not going out so much and I was not writing much. And then a man came into my life. From the first date I knew he was not for me. Even though we had a lot to talk about and we gelled together, I didn't see it happening for a lot of reasons. Now he was perfect when it came to my family, especially my mom... he was educated, well off, polite, nice, same religion (which was a huge plus point)... only on paper he was the perfect marriage material.

I decided to remain friends with him and that's it. But I loved the attention and the fact that a nice guy like him actually wanted me, made me want to give him a shot. Of course I was a little vulnerable when I decided that. But I thought hell I deserve to be treated like someone's lady.

One week into the relationship, we decided to get married. I wouldn't say I agreed with it but I went along with it. There were things I wanted to do before I got into the whole marriage and family life. But that nagging feeling in me made me want to be in this relationship because I thought no other man has wanted me and he does. And all around me everyone was getting married and having babies... and for a very long time I thought I wanted that. 

But after being in a relationship with someone who wanted me to change to suit his life, my whole outlook on marriage has changed. Do I really have to stop being myself to be in a relationship? I compromised on everything. Even stopped writing because I didn't really have time to myself because I was busy being the woman he wanted. I might not post much but I do write. I lost myself somewhere. My confidence was shot down. My self esteem was low. My spirit was shattered. The attitude about me and my body that had taken 29 years to develop had changed. I felt ugly! And I was going with the flow trying to make the relationship work. Sure he was a good provider but money can't buy everything. If I wanted to be with him for the money, what does that make me??? 

I do not want to bad mouth the guy because I have done enough of that and now I feel nothing for him. I don't even hate him. I feel nothing. And I realized that right now and I am glad to feel that I am completely over it. I was over him a long time ago. Yes, it was nice to have a man in my life but not someone who could not accept me the way I am. I might have said "I love you" but I don't think I ever meant it. And I apologize for that. Sometimes I wonder why I went against everything I believe in and decided to get married to this guy? But then a friend of mine told me, "We live in a place that is so fast paced that we look for something to hold on to as long as we can." I held on to for a month. I know it looks bad but it was going too fast and we both wanted different things. He wanted a wife and family. And I still don't know what I want but I know I don't want to settle down just yet. Besides settling down does not mean getting married and popping out kids. 

I don't have anything going on in my life right now. No job, no career, no money, nothing. I am the black sheep of the family who is 31 years old, still living with my mother, who I can't support financially. I am that unemployed, loser friend who can't afford more than two drinks at a bar or even travel often by cab to go meet friends or does not have any good holiday stories because I have never been on a real vacation. I am that girl who guys consider a great friend but will somehow start being awkward the moment they find out that I might have feelings for them.  

I refuse to be that girl any more. Sometimes I feel like going up to that guy friend of mine and asking him why he went all awkward on me when he found out I liked him. Is it that bad that a fat girl likes you?? I don't care about being the black sheep of the family but I damn to hell don't want them to think I can't handle tough situations. And yes I want to travel and live in different parts of the world. I want to live my life on my terms bending the rules only for people who are worth it. 

It took me a while to regain that confidence and I feel I have learned a very good lesson. First instincts are usually always right and I will never doubt them again. I have become stronger person after this and I refuse to look back. 

Mindspill: Listen to your gut... it's not always asking for food. 

Nothing like a bucket of blues to get you writing again, eh? And here I want to be a comedy writer.

She took three deep breaths, wiped off her tears and calmed herself. Her brain told her heart, “I told you so.” Her bruised heart lay there in her chest cavity, beating with sadness, beating with relief, beating with the strength to move on. The heart sat up, brushed off the sadness, put on a brave face, smiled and told the brain, “I am stronger than you think. It’s not the end of the world. Go learn some new facts about an ancient civilization.”

Sometimes when you are high on life and are having the best trip you’ve ever had, you get some information that will kill your buzz. I was feeling like I was at the top of the world and the universe just flicked me off and I fell at the bottom of a barrel… not just any barrel… a barrel that is used to store fish bait… the really stinky kind.

I am not going to go into details about what happened but it knocked the wind out of me. I suppose I was in denial when I heard of it the first time because I sure feel stupid right now.  I know in a few months I’ll be laughing and joking about it but I needed my reaction. I needed to curse the universe. I needed to pity myself. I needed to feel like a loser. I needed to vent. So I did. I even felt ugly (which didn’t make any sense)

So now a couple of hours later, I am sad but I will be ok. I am happy to get that information and glad that it’s out there before I did something that I would regret. I had my reaction. I waved around my middle finger to the universe. And I apologized to the universe as well. Things will get better. I will start climbing so I can be at the top of the world again. For now, I just want to be comfortably numb. And nope... not feeling ugly anymore. I am gorgeous... fat, dimples, stretchmarks and all. 

It's a Wonderful Life!

Hey everyone. How are y'all? I know it's been a while since I've updated. Sorry... been having a bit of a writer's block. I really need to get out of this funk. My life seems to be in a rut. I'm 30 years old, I'm unemployed and I'm single. Next step... crazy cat lady. haha No... that will never happen! (I still love my friends who are crazy cat ladies though hehe)

Anyway... last week I saw this old movie called, "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time. And at the last scene I just broke down and cried like a baby. It was not a sad ending. It was so happy, that I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears of joy just rolled down my face. 

The past 12 months have been a bit rough on me. I got screwed over by potential employers, some friends showed their true colors, I literally lost a part of my ceiling and floor at my family home in Mumbai, and financially it was rough as well. And well the love life was non existent. Just the usual pervs who wanted to be with me but not be seen with me. I want to be someone's reality NOT a fetish fantasy. Lets just say I dodged a huge bullet. 

I was sooo down in the dumps that my 30th birthday didn't feel special enough. (It was awesome and I loved all of it. But um... y'all forgot the cake. I love cake... please for the love of Dumbledore... don't forget it the next time) 

I was even having countless arguments with my best friend. In the end, we both realized that in a healthy relationship, there are fights, arguments, resentments and momentary lapse of judgement. But after all of that mess, our bond is stronger than ever. We'd marry each other if we didn't like men so much. 

My friends mean the world to me. Even when they royally fuck up, I always see the best in them and be there for them. These friends of mine... the good, the bad and the ugly, have been there for me, listening to me bitch about everything and asking why me and why not me and when will life change and why am I such a failure? 

Even the ones who have screwed me over, have come through on many occasions, lifting my spirits by encouraging me and giving me the strength to move on. The best thing anyone can say to me is, "You made my day!" Somehow I just love to lift people's spirits and see them smile. 

So I might not have a lot of money, not the body that is accepted by the world (I am still sexy no matter what people say), don't have a job... I still have what keeps me going and that is a wealth of friends. The old and the new and I have met some really nice people recently. They make me feel like a winner when I feel like a loser. They make me feel like Cinderella when I feel like the ugly step sister. And some give me the harsh truth about the world that I absolutely respect them for. 

'It's a Wonderful Life' made me realize what I already knew and had. It's an amazing movie and should be on your watch list. You will feel so amazing after watching it. Lets watch it together sometime and please bring tissues and ladies please don't wear any eye make-up unless you want to look like Alice Cooper. 

Mindspill: It's this picture below from "It's a Wonderful Life"