I'm really flattered, but I'd make a terrible girlfriend!

Hello my lovely minions! How's everyone doing?

So this week I want to share a couple of experiences I've had when it comes to romance. Women... adore me. I have been hit on by women more than men. Apparently I give off some lesbian vibe. Either that or they think that just because I'm fat and I don't have a man next to me, I'm probably gay. Another stereotype! The first time a woman hit on me was in the ladies room of a club. She was this old, white lady who put her arm around waist, rubbed my butt and said.. "Well, you're thick and nice!" (when I see you guys remind me to do the accent... it's sooo funny) Sure she was drunk out of her mind but yeah the butt rubbing really freaked me out.

The second incident, was I was in the ladies room of a club (do you guys sense a pattern here? lolz) and this chick was like, "Hi... you're really cute. Are you partying at Mirchi?" And I was like "Thanks but no I was at Times and I'm heading home now." And she was like, "Aww that's too bad. Maybe I'll see you around." And I was like, "Sure. Bye now." I wasn't freaked out and she wasn't drunk. I didn't really pay much attention to it. The next week I was at the same place and she saw me and was like, "Hey remember we met in the bathroom last week?" And I was like, "Yeah hey, how are you?" And again she said, "Oh you really are sooo cute. Can I kiss you?" There was an awkward pause but then I was like, "Girl, I'm flattered and you are pretty but I don't swing that way. Plus I'd make a terrible girlfriend." And she looks at me and is like, "Oh no... no no! I'm not like that. I-I mean... you're cute and you have great skin and you remind me of my mom!" Yeah I just wanted to dig a hole right there and crawl into it. Honestly, at that point I'd rather be mistaken for a lesbian lolz. Dear Lord... do I really look that old? Of course I felt that mom comment was just to get back at me for not kissing her. Women are like that. Straight or gay... we get catty/bitchy when we don't get what we want. hahaha God bless the men who put up with us!

Now, speaking of homosexuality... I'm not gay. If I was... I'd be loud and proud! Like I'm loud and proud about me being fat. I really don't see what the big deal is. So your daughter likes boobs and your son likes dongs. They can't help it if they're gay. People have accepted interracial relationships but are still iffy about same sex marriages. Grow up. The world is changing. Being gay is not just about sex. They deal with the same issues everyone does in a relationship. I love watching Queer as Folk. I learned so much about the gay lifestyle. Plus, that Brian Kinney is soooooooooooooo hot and I absolutely adore Emmet. I wish I had a gay friend like Emmett.

So my lovelies... yeah I won't be talking just about my weight issues. It might get stale after sometime.

Mindspill of the week:

"If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man." Emmett, Queer as Folk

I'll have a Diet Coke, please! WTF?

I've come across many people who love to eat but there is that one group of people who I call the Diet Cokers or DC. They are the people who order a quarter pounder with extra cheese, bacon, large fries and an apple pie and then wash all that down with a diet Coke/Pepsi/7 Up/Fanta etc. Can anyone please tell me what's the point? You've already damaged your body with that extra cheese (not to mention clogged your colon) so how is ordering that sugar free diet Coke going to help? I mean there's starch and carbs in the bread and potatoes and don't forget that apple pie which has all that sugary goodness. (Ohhhh baby)

Alright those of you who don't eat a lot junk food, it makes sense if you opt for a diet coke. Ok so the others, you like the taste of Diet Coke... fine. Quite frankly most sugar free sodas taste like cardboard piss and somehow I find them sweeter than their original versions. But the DCs... I see them having their drinks... JD, Vodka, Bacardi with regular Coke. Not Diet Coke mind you. But when ordering a meal at McDonalds, KFC or Hardees, do they go through some kind of guilt trip by eating the food, that they think by having a Diet Coke might help the abominable sin that they've commited by going there? Do they think that the person behind the counter is a Padre in disguise, when they realize ordering all that food will mess up their system and the cure is a Hail Mary disguised as Diet Coke?? I have a lot of friends who do that though. It's really funny. Hell, on my cheat days I order the whole chuck wagon. I'll only drink Diet sodas if there is not other choice.

McDonalds actually has good apple juice so I usually opt for that when I get my Happy Meal (yes I love the HM... I'm currently collecting Shrek 4 action figures from them lolz) because quite honestly the fountain drinks are always usually flat. I do love a good Pepsi and my fav. is Thumbs Up. Nothing like an ice cold Thumbs Up on a hot day.

And then there those holier than thou eaters who eat a heavy meal including extra cheese, butter and meat and say stuff like... "OMG *munch munch* this food is sooo heavy *munch munch*... 20 extra minutes on the treadmill tomorrow." I feel like slapping them and saying, "Oh shut up you little bitch. You're killing my food buzz!"

I once popped a sugar cube in my mouth and a good friend of mine sarcastically said, "Oh that's healthy!". Of course I replied back. "Sweetie... we just inhaled a 4 cheese pasta dish. Don't tell me what's healthy and what's not!" Seriously... it's not like I picked a handful and munched them like they were peanuts. (You know who you are... you're a DC but I still love you! lolz)

So today's Mindspill goes out to all my Diet Coker friends...

If you think you're doing something wrong... DO IT RIGHT and order a regular Coke! You've already upsized the meal.

Falling off the wagon... whoaaa!

So I went to the doctors today and my result wasn't that great. I have been cheating. I've been cheating these past two weeks like Bill Clinton cheated on his wife with Monica Lewinsky. Well except in my case, I was the one with my mouth full. Yes it happens to me a lot.

My biggest passion and vice is food. I love to eat and I go out a lot. So when I'm out I am not going to order just a salad. Heck I push aside any salad that comes on my plate with the big fat juicy steak.

Resisting food is not easy for me. But on my honor I have been resisting Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (mainly because when I go to the mall I don't go in that direction). Like I said I am a food-a-holic and I enjoy good food but yeah I do know when to stop.

My first couple of weeks of this program were brilliant. I stuck to it and everything but lately I find myself finding the same old grilled chicken boring. I want some rice and curry man! Honestly over the weekend I don't just cheat... I commit total blasphemy. I eat the most heart clogging things on the planet because hey it's my cheat day. If I was Homer Simpson, I'd be sipping bacon fat through a straw but that's just disgusting.

Quiet frankly in these past two weeks I've been eating a lot of rice. I don't know why! It's like all these months of eating it just once a week has brought a rice wave in me. I'm craving it like an alcoholic redneck craving his moonshine!

I did snap out of it when I saw the scale tip the other way and the numbers going up a notch. I think I totally take advantage of my cheat day and overdo it. I've fallen off many weight loss wagons before and this plan being my decision and not an emotional blackmailed one from the family, I can't afford to slip up anywhere. I think I need to stop eating out because it's soo not helping me. This time around I have got to bring those numbers down to double digits!

So to help me more with my battle of the bulge, I've invested in an exer-cycle... my Harley Davidson which I have named The Xardian. (Thank you Sara and Mukta for your suggesstions). I did about 10 kms today in 20 minutes and boy was I hurting in places I didn't know could hurt! Of course before that I do my floor exercises as well. I've stopped going to the gym since mid April, I thought The Xardian would be a great option for me. I'm thinking of painting flames on it and writing "Xardian" on the front in glitter. Eww no... no glitter... will remind me of that sparkle-y vampire!!!

Mindspill:

If you can't join them, beat them!

Am I in the wrong country for romance?

I am soooo in the wrong country for romance! I have seen women in the US (no no... not the Hollywood Barbies)... real women who are gorgeously well rounded, big boned, fat and even women who are bigger than me getting men. And I don't mean weirdos on the internet... real men who find them sexy because of their personality. These men are not from the leftover pile (aka divorced men, widowers, old single men or men who just don't want to die alone). These men are smart, sexy and classy with amazing personalities who don't judge on appearance.

It's sad to say that a lot of Indian guys judge a woman by her looks the first time they meet them. They all want a thin, fair woman when they themselves probably fat and dark! I love Indian men and I want an Indian man but those really nice ones for a fat girl are so hard to find. When they do get to know me and like hanging out with me, it's too late... we're in the friend zone or he ends up with a girlfriend.

It's not fair when people want to hook you up with divorced guys and old balding men. If a man rejects me because of my appearance then why don't I have the right the do the same? If I reject a proposal from a 40 year old man does not mean I'm being picky. I just don't want to marry an uncle. It's downright insulting!

I have made mistakes in the past by judging guys on their looks. After getting to know the good looking ones and the average/not so good looking ones I realized that I had more fun with that nerd with man boobs than the pretty surfer guy. Pretty surfer guy was sooooooo damn boring and we had nothing in common!!! I am not looking for a Johnny Depp (but hey if he's looking for me, please give him my number ;) ), but even the average looking desi dude wants hot woman!

Living in Dubai is so difficult to find someone nice. I don't even want to talk about Mumbai! Some people have told me that "guys probably don't want to approach you because you have a strong personality and that they might be shy!" Give me a break! I know I'm not going to find romance in a bar or a club but it wouldn't hurt that a guy would come up and talk to me. A nice decent guy... not a drunk English man, old enough to be my grandfather who thinks he's a very good dancer or worse... those younger guys (jail bait), that you just want to smack 'em on the head and say, "Pull your pants up, son!"

I have had guys interested in me and I was happy that they were but almost all of them turned out to have the personality of a pot noodle and the soul of an ameoba!! And some of them were pretty damn good looking. Don't get me started on the guys on matrimonial sites! Whoaa man! (Yeah I registered at parsimatrimony.com and removed my profile when I got proposals from men who were 40 + or were in a hurry to get married.. I just don't do the whole internet thing anymore)

You know even some male friends are no better. I don't want any romance but for f*ck's sake... I'm a woman... stop calling me dude, buddy, mate or beedu (same thing in Hindi). Can you not see the breasts? Do I look like I would enjoy macking on chicks with you? Do I sit on the couch with one hand down my pants and the other on a beer while I watch a sport on TV? Nooooooooooo! I don't want romance "dude" but at least treat me like a woman. I promise I won't fall in love with you. Just because I laugh at your jokes does not mean I have any romantic interests. They so don't call any of the other chicks buddy or mate!

Anyhoos... bottom line... I need to move to a country where chubby girls are appreciated. My lentils won't dissolve in this part of the world! (direct translation from a Hindi proverb lolz)

Mindspill of the week:

Something wonderful my friend Chari told me once, "Just because there's a goal keeper at the post, does not mean you can't score!" Love ya girl even though you try to freak me out with Hello Kitty!

Stereotypes

I love junk food and one of the places I like going to is Hardees (they have pretty good burgers there). Now they always ask if we want any side orders, etc etc. So this one time the guy behind the counter asks me if I want to upsize the meal and I said no thanks. Now what pissed me off here was the face he made when I said "no thanks". Asking if I want my order upsized is his job. Looking at me with a shocked expression like I'd eat his hat too if I was hungry enough is not his job or something I want to see. And right after that expression he says, "Really?" and looks at me up and down like I'm some side show freak! Buddy... I'm fat! I'm not a f*ckin' glutton!

Why do people automatically think, "Oh this chick is fat... she probably eats her weight in food!" and place another helping in your plate without even asking. Another thing I've heard is that fat people are lazy. Yes I have my lazy moments and I do procrastinate like every normal person but that does not mean I'm lying around, without showering for a week, eating chicken in bed!

Now another thing that annoys me is when people look and point. I mean I'm flattered that you think I'm the 8th wonder of the world because you live under a bridge like the troll you are! But all this adoration must stop or I'll get a big head. Let me recall an incident. A couple of years ago I was at a McDonalds in Mumbai with my cousin and we were sitting by the window. My cousin gets up to get something and I'm in my happy place, eating my fries...(hey anywhere with junk food was my happy place back then. Now my happy place is my imagination and you have no idea what I do to the men I like in that land ahahahahahaha <~~~ Thriller laugh). So I look up and see this chick gesturing to a guy and then pointing at me and laughing. Now first off they see food enough for 2 people and then see this fat chick guzzling Coke and munching fries, and they obviously think that I'm going to inhale everything that's on the tray, including the tray itself! These people were not even 5 feet away from me and were pointing and laughing. I was almost about to cry because even though I was used to being pointed and laughed at, at that moment I just felt like I was pushed down to the bottom of a barrel. I never judged, Mr. Piss Pants or Ms. Unibrow, what gave them the right to point and laugh. I wasn't doing anything funny was I? Did I drop my pants and produce flowers and balloons from my ass? I got so disgusted I didn't even finish my meal.

Anyways now whoever stares and points, I just stare back. There are times when I stare at them seriously and then make a funny/psychotic face. That really cracks me up and freaks them out! There was this one time when I was walking down the road and this guy across the street, yelled out "Oh ho! Big family size!" I pointed at him, I looked at his crotch and said..."Bite size!" The dumbass didn't understand what I said but people who heard that laughed at him! lolz

Oh yes... one more thing. This is a request to all family and friends... if you find someone staring at me and laughing please don't ask dumb questions like "What the hell is he staring at?" or yell out to them, "Hey what are you staring at, asshole?" I can see that they are staring at me! I know you guys are trying to defend me but it doesn't make me feel any better. My mom does that all the time and now I just reply... "He's staring at me, ma! He looks like he hasn't had a moment of happiness in his life so let him drink it in!" That usually shuts her up and the person stops staring as well.

Ok Mindspill time:

If you don't compromise on the flavour of food, don't compromise on the men you choose!

Cravings of the 11th wheel

Have you ever had a craving for something but you don't really care for it anymore? I used to be addicted to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. In fact even before they opened their chain out here in the UAE, I had read an article about them in a magazine and I was dreaming of the day that first Krispy Kreme store would open and I'd try one of those glazed goodness. I've never even prayed so much for the Backstreet Boys to come to Dubai, as much as I've prayed for a KKD store. (Yes, I said Backstreet Boys but that's another story)

So, there was a time when I would need a weekly Krispy Kreme Doughnut fix and I would go down to the nearest store and devour those babies. I would hear Hallelujah in my head whenever I saw that red hot neon sign showing that a new batch of glazed doughnuts were ready. The ultimate flavor was the double chocolate, chocolate cream filled, dark chocolate dipped doughnut (sugar rush anyone?). And yours truly wouldn't eat just one... oh no she wouldn't! I'd get a glazed doughnut (my fav.) and the cream filled doughnut and if I was with a friend we'd share a doughtnut too. I've even seen how they make it and it's such a thrill to see them being glazed and dipped in chocolate and siiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Ok losing focus here.

So anyways, I've been Krispy Kreme free since October 2009. On my honor, I haven't had a single Krispy Kreme Doughnut for seven months!!! Whenever I pass by a KKD at the mall and get a whiff of those babies I'm like a recovering alcoholic in a bar, a sex addict at a strip club and a heroin addict at a crack den. KKD is my personal brand of heroin. (Oh GAWD! I sound like Edward 'I sparkle like a fairy' Cullen... but that's another story) But I get the strength from friends and family who drag me away from that smell... damn.... that KKD near my place opens at 6 am. Maybe I should go there now and stand outside till they open. Naaaaah! I'm just kidding!

There is another place in Dubai, that sells cupcakes and ohhh man even the name is so sugesstive... Sugar Daddy! I haven't been there and I so want to... just to look at the cupcakes. Yeah just look. But then I hear they're charging 20 bucks for a cupcake, so the cheap chick in me says, "20 BUCKS FOR A MIDGET SPONGE CAKE, TOPPED WITH FROSTING?" And then the fat girl says, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Come to Mama, Sugar Daddy!"

Now that I'm done obsessing over the sweet sins of my life (the edible kind), I want to come to a different topic. The 3rd Wheel Syndrome. See, I love the fact that all my friends are hooking up, in relationships, getting married and spawning but I sooo totally feel like the loser without a date. Being the 3rd wheel I can handle, but being the 11th wheel of a frickin' semi truck is getting an "Awww that fat girl's all alone" stares from people.

I am really happy being single but it's those moments when you feel like excess baggage, that just piss me off. Some guys can be such assholes, if they are trying to score with your hot friend and they see a fat chick hanging around. And the worst is when you think some cute guy is interested in you but he's just being nice to know more about your friend. I tell those guys to get some balls and talk to her themselves and maybe grow a personality. It would be nice to have a man by my side though. To hold my hand, to cuddle with me, put up with my mannerisms, watch cheesy Bollywood movies with me. (Not that I'm ready for a commitment... but that's another story)

Mindspill of the week:

I might not be the slimmest or the prettiest but I have boobs and I'm not afraid to use them.

Oh yeah... I am sooo hot! Move over Angelina Jolie!!

It's not easy being the fat girl in a group of gorgeous friends. Your sense of humor might be one thing that attract a guy but then that's about it. You go into his friend zone before you get the gumption to say, "Hey... let's have dinner sometime. Just you and me." If you're not funny and try to be the silent, deep and brooding type... well then you're just that "fat snobbish bitch"! I think only men can pull off the silent and brooding personality because women definitely talk more than men. hahaha

See now when I go out with friends, we make sure that we compliment each other. (It's a female thing... we want people to say we look nice... you won't find a dude telling another dude that his hair looks nice. He might say "Nice hair!" and smirk if buddy just got a very bad haircut)

Anyhoos... now I know my friends are just being nice when they say that I look hot. I mean seriously, a "You look nice" is definitely better than that little "red hot" lie. I'll even settle for "You're always very clean!" lol When I go out the door all dressed up pretty, I look at myself in the mirror (that's oh so conviniently placed near the front door lolz) and say, "Ok... face: check, hair: check, cleavage: check" and that's about it. I know I'm not a hot girl.... yet. But seriously... if I say you look hot, does not mean you have to return the compliment. I am not expecting a 'hot' from y'all at the moment. I know what I am... a pretty girl but a fatass no less. lolz

Anyways, last Thursday I went to the doctors for my weekly analysis and unfortunately I didn't lose my goal weight for the week. I just lost around 300gms and I was not happy. My weight loss is sure but slow.

So after that I went to the nutrition store to pick up a few things and the guy behind the counter is this cute and goofy looking, Egyptian. Now we don't speak much, just a hi or a hello. But the other day we got to talking and after that... boy was I a happy camper. He asked me how old I was and I told him I was 27 and he was like... "Nooo way. I think you're 18."

Now I seriously was like "Sure buddy... you just want me to buy more stuff." but then he was like... "No no.. ur big, but you don't look old. Your face... like flower!" And yeah I did my stupid giggle after that. That really made my day because according to my weight loss chart... I look 37 and I was feeling a bit depressed after a kid asked me a few weeks ago, "What's a Guns n' Roses?" (Children these days listen to crap). Anyways I was so happy after leaving the store I treated myself to a pedicure! :)

Mindspill of the week:

Eating a salad (with a burger), is not good behavior that should be rewarded with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts!