Missed a couple of trains?

Yes I know this has gone from a weekly to monthly blog. But just when I think I've run out of juice, something comes up and I thank God that this is not going to be another dead blog for me. Of course I have also been working on another project. I'll reveal it when I feel I'm ready to unleash that to the world. I'm in the research and development stage of the project right now. But I promise it's going to be good because I am having fun right now getting it ready for the world to see!

I was chillin' with a friend the other day and of course we ended up talking about men. We crossed a topic about "the one the got away" and yes I do have this huge regret in my life about letting that one get away. Actually it's two that got away but I care less about the other one... he was just a thought of mine that came into my head on a lazy Friday afternoon... one of those "what if" moments but before I could say anything, it was too late. But it didn't really let it get to me because I didn't like the guy that much to regret anything.

Now this other one... he was such a great guy but I never looked at him that way. I honestly was interested in someone else. But the more I got to know him, I realized that we had such great chemistry together and had so many things in common. I did get a bit scared when he dropped very subtle hints but he didn't have the balls to be upfront about it and asked me out or anything. Then I was just thinking about us as a couple and it seemed to fit and it felt right. So when I finally decided to make my move, it was too late!!!

So the lesson here children, is that please let people know you like them and want to be more than friends. What's the worse that could happen? Rejection? Believe me, the pain you feel when that one gets away is worse than having someone shove a stick up your nose, swirl it around in your head and pull your brains out through your nostrils. (So help me! I watched a re-run of NatGeo's Mummy Road Show online). Now if I like someone I just tell them. I make sure I clear the fact that this won't affect our friendship. If the person starts to behave weirdly around you after you tell them your feelings, then that's not a good friend now is it?

Which brings me to my point... just because that one got away, it does not mean you should compromise and setlle down just because you have to. A friend of mine missed "the one" and got married to a total stranger last year just to get over that guy.

Never settle for anything less in life. Even if you want to compromise, make sure the person is not a total jerk and that you actually like them.

Mindspill:

So you missed a train... wait for the next one, it might take you to a better destination!

Drop the soap you healthy person!

I know it's been a long time since I've written. I hit a wall but I'm back on track. And here I want to be a writer! Yeesh! How are my minions doing? Did y'all miss me? I'm sitting here at home on another dull and boring Saturday. Honestly, when you're unemployed, it doesn't make a difference whether it's the weekend or not. In fact I dread weekends because the day seems twice as boring.

My lovely mother has become a bit anti-social and she prefers the company of the characters on the daily soaps than mine.

Speaking of characters on soaps, especially the women... these Indian girls are so beautiful but they always have a permanent expression of depression on their face. A person can explode with so much emotional trauma and can end up in a straight jacket in a padded room singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!"

Each show starts with the problem of marrying off the girl. Seriously... we are living in the 21st century now, Indian women have a lot more on their minds than marriage. And yes... we think about SEX too! *gasp* I said the S word! Check out the population of our country people, someone's doin' it right now!!

And why aren't there more shows with fat actors? Why do all guys have to look all chiseled with six packs? The new age Ramayan that came out two years ago, had Hunuman and Shri Ram with perfect washboard abs. And the girl in the soaps... always innocent, doe eyed and delicate and yes "the vamp" is always shown slutty. Have we forgotten Phoolan Devi? She didn't need to wear an open backed sari or a giant bindi with heavy make-up to be a badass bitch! The fat actor is mostly used as a comic relief. Fat people are not always jolly. Even Santa Claus can get pissed off... especially if you yank off his beard! (I speak from personal experience hahaha)

I am so glad that we had a show like Mahi Way. It was the story of every fat girl. I hope more fat actors (guys included) will get a chance to be the main lead in a story.

Anyways... I was having a conversation with someone the other day and they kept saying the word "healthy" when talking about fat/overweight people. Now from what angel do we fat people look healthy? Seriously... we have heart palpitations, we can't run fast, we have f-ed up eating habits... how can you call that healthy? I know you don't want to offend anyone but we know you mean fat when you say healthy.

Fat people are sensitive when we are ridiculed about our weight but in a general non-offensive conversation why does it seem offensive when someone says fat? As a fat person I know and accept that I am fat, large, big, huge so why say "healthy" just to be polite? Fat people out there should not feel offended if someone calls them fat in a non-offensive way. It's a fact. Look in the mirror... that's all you... all 200 pounds of you!

The main reason fat people are sensitive because since childhood they've been ridiculed by society and by their own family and friends. Hell a friend from my meek sensitive days actually told me, "Oh Farah, what guy will like you. You're so fat!" That hurt to the core. Mostly because of the jeering tone she had used and there were other people there too. Anyway it's all gone in the past now, but just so you know dear friend... guys do like me. I don't have to rely solely on looks or keep my shop open 24/7 to land a man! So fatties... the next time someone tells you that you are fat, tell them thank you... yes I am F(antastic)A(nd)T(errific)!

Mindspill:

Looks will eventually fade but it will be the personality in your golden years that will still make you attractive!

Wanted: Parsi groom for wonderfully weird fat girl, must be breathing!

As you can see I have my blog up and running again. I hope you guys are having fun reading Fat Girl Follies because I love reading all your comments.

So the last time I mentioned matrimonial websites. I'm 27 years old and single. Happy about it! But the family, oh boy the family!!! My grandma: "My dear... come on get married. I want to be a great grandmother! I had three kids by the time I was your age!" I nod, smile and give her a kiss on the forehead. My aunts have given up because I create a ruckus if they bring up some guy for me to check out. After the last time I got a proposal through family, I was totally upset (remember I told you guys about the proposal from the much older guy a few blogs back?). So before they say anything I just tell them to drop it!!!

Now let's look at another specimen of humanity... The Aunty-ji! Now they are not related to you but are family friends or friends of friends.... of friends. You see them mostly at weddings... they will be the ones looking at you from top to bottom, see how you talk, comment on how you've grown... and by grown they are NOT talking about your height if you are a girl!! All that data is registered in their memory. Now when they go to another wedding and see a single guy, out comes the database and they think that girl from last week's wedding, is a perfect match. She then contacts both parties and then the parents talk to their children... they might not be so keen on the idea, awkwardly meet each other, talk... if they like each other, they get married and an angel gets it's wings!!! If the guy rejects the girl then there's something wrong with her. If the girl rejects the guy... oh blasphemy! And an angel is shoved into the pits of hell!!!

I know an aunty-ji and she kept telling my mom... "Oh just settle Farah... get her married!" and suggested this guy who was... a Dastur (Parsi priest)!!! My mom stopped her right there because she knows a. I really can't stand that particular aunty-ji and would never trust her choice! b. No way in hell I would marry a regularly practicing priest. Besides my mom's sister in law goes to the temple he prays at and says he's a lazy piece of ass and is a total mama's boy!

Now before anyone could continue that proposal saga... I thought I would check out a few matrimonial websites and see what's out there. I registered on two popular Indian matrimony websites looking for Parsi boys. And boy did I find some samples on that!!! Remember Mr. Vegan from the last post, who after all that ethical lecture asked me what I was wearing?

I have noticed a lot of the guys I met from those websites always asking personal questions in the first online chat. And by personal I don't mean if I've ever had a boyfriend before but personal like "will you have sex with me before our wedding night?". Seriously where do these guys come from? They're pretty good looking, they look well groomed, they wear smart clothes, their profiles are interesting and they have impressive jobs. These guys claim to be accountants, marketing managers, senior executives and this is what they ask? After Mr. Vegan I just got so disgusted, I took down both profiles.

So now I'm leaving my future to Paul the Octopus, since he so cleverly predicts the outcome of football matches.

Mindspill:

Marriages are made in heaven and by Aunty-jis and to a certain extent, Paul the Octopus!

Updated!

Greetings minions! I have updated the blog with all the Fat Girl Follies. 10 weeks and running! Wooo! hahahaha Hopefully I'll be posting once a week or whenever I feel a mindspill coming on at any time of the day! Cheers and happy reading! :) Please don't forget to comment! :)

Warning: Beware of Vegetarians!

Monday morning! Being unemployed I sleep late and wake up by 10 am usually but today somehow I was up by 6:30. I lolled in bed till 8 and finally managed to crawl out from under the blanket. I am not a morning person. When I was working in Dubai I used to wake up everyday at 4:30 am why? Because to go to that end of the world, I had to catch a bus at 5:30. With the traffic and all, I just had to leave at that time and sometimes I wouldn't even reach by 8:30. Then again at 7 I had to catch the bus to come home to Sharjah and by the time I reached my doorstep it was 9 pm. And by the time I got to bed it would be 11:30 and actually got to sleep would be 12:30. So yours truly was running on 4 hours of sleep every night and lots and lots of coffee! Even now I woke up 3 hours ago and I'm on my 4th cup of coffee. (Thank you Dez for the coffee maker!)

Ahhh vegetarians... boy do they make you feel guilty about eating meat! I love meat! Chicken, beef, seafood, turkey, mutton, pork (ohhhhhhh bacon *Homer Simpson drool*), bat, hell give me a comodo dragon, I'll eat it. Ok maybe not and no I have not switched personalities with Ozzy Osbourne, so I won't be biting off a bat's head in this lifetime!

So, I was having a chat with this dude I met online and he turned out to be the baap (um... best described as big daddy) of all vegetarians. He was a vegan. A vegan is someone who doesn't just gives up meat but gives up any kind of animal product like honey, milk from cow, goat etc, wool. Now I have nothing against vegans or vegetarians but I hate it when they get preachy. This guy was telling me stuff like how I am a savage since I eat meat. According to him an animal's milk is only for it's offspring and not for human consumption. His exact words were, "How would you feel if your breast milk was packaged and sold to the general public?" Doesn't he paint a pretty picture? And after all that preaching, he asked me, "So... what are you wearing?" He now lies in the deleted spaces of the internet and I have taken down my profile from "parsimatrimony.com". I have given up on the bawas (Parsi guys) on that website. (But that's another story for next time)

Getting back to vegetarians... I have come across a group of people who call themselves vegetarians but they still eat fish. Um excuse me but since when was fish a fruit or a vegetable? To quote a song from a Sharukh Khan movie, "Ped se tod le machliyaan" which translates to "pick a fish from a tree"... yeah that song's a little insane. Infact the song title is "I am insane" lolz. Love it and love SRK!

Back to the point. So do fish grow on trees or do you pull them from the ground? Sorry boss... you can't call yourself a vegetarian if you eat fish. Because fish are very much living, breathing beings that feel pain too. In fact they have the worse death ever!! Imagine... you're swimming around minding your own business and suddenly you see a tasty treat dangling in front of you. You take a bite and OMG a hook's in your mouth. You're struggling to get free but the hook just gets in deeper and you're pulled upwards to the surface where you then flop around gasping for air till a big mallet hits on the head and you die! I paint a pretty good picture too, don't I? At least with most land animals it's one chop and bam... instant farm heaven! (I am so picturing cows and chickens floating on clouds with Angel wings, halos, playing the harp)

Come to think of it even plants are living things. Just because they don't bleed when you rip them off from their roots or trees, doesn't make them less alive. So should we give all that up and start eating gravel, rocks and sand? Doesn't make any sense, right? Chocolate mud pie would have a whole new meaning after this!

So a request to all vegetarians... you guys are wonderful people who are not eating animals and I commend you for that. I really do. I even tried to give up meat once but it just didn't work. I was a vegan for two weeks on a doctor's orders because of an allergic reaction from something. But please don't get preachy and holy than thou with us meat eaters. You don't see an antelope tell a lion to give up meat right? It's a circle of life. We eat the meat and when we die we become the grass or bird food. (Bawas and Bawis... you know what I'm talkin' about. Aavi jaao, chaapi jaao lolz)

Plus if you really want to pick on people who do harm to animals, pick on those who wear fur, treat their pets miserably, circus owners that keep wild animals like big cats and elephants and make them do tricks at the crack of a whip and even people with race horses. The horse is shot if it can't race anymore. Same goes for greyhounds who are bred for dog races. They are put to sleep if they lose 3 or 4 races. Then there are those who love to meddle with mama nature and breed hybrid creatures like ligers (male lion + female tiger). And if you want to be really shocked, go on down to Tijuana, Mexico and check out the Donkey Show. Trust me... after that trip, you will spare us meat eaters!

Mindspill:

I love all of God's animals. Espeically with gravy and mashed potatoes on the side!

Explosion of the clock!!

Hello dahlings? Eww no.. that's sooo la dee da! I'll stick to minions! So helloooo minions! How's everyone doing today? Yes I'm a bit late on the note but I sort of lost my writing mojo on Thursday. I think it's all that Family Guy I've been watching last week. Some Peter Griffin-isms probably rubbed off on me for a bit. I do like that show though. It's hilarious!

Anyways... once or twice a year I get these overwhelming feelings and I'm sure a lot of women have experienced the same thing. I'm talking about when the biological clock goes off. It's when you get these maternal urges after spending time taking care of kids or seeing a friend's new baby's pictures (Congrats again Mel! She's gorgeous!).

Now my biological clock doesn't just go off... it explodes. I sooo want to be a mommy and I can't wait to have a brood of my own. Depending on my situation in the future, I want three kids but hey... I'll be happy with just one little munchkin. Or I might just adopt two kids.

I can just imagine my kids... they're gonna be so damn hyper like me. My parents had dreams of me becoming a doctor or a scientist but I'm going to let them be what they want to be but of course I'll have those ROCKSTAR and artist dreams for them. Teach them the history of good music. Make sure they watch quality television and not creepy garbage like Sponge Bob Square Pants or the Teletubbies. I'll make them watch old fashioned cartoons where a mouse drops an anvil on a cat or a cyote trying to blow up a bird or a bald guy chasing a duck and a wabbit! And the best learning program that ever was... Sesame Street!!! (Chari... absolutely NO HELLO KITTY!)

There are times when I think... what if I don't end up getting married... should I really consider getting it done scientifically? Get a man in a cup? Because to have a kid I just need some good swimmers. I had a very funny conversation with my friend Sara the other day...

Me: My biological clock exploded Sara.

Sara: Just get pregnant, Farah! Make me an auntie!!

Me: I need a man first... or maybe some of his swimmers. (And if I don't want disapproving looks from people... probably a marriage certificate)

Sara: Get Adam and his swimmers!

Farah: Eh? Who the heck is Adam? (and I'm thinking of an Adam who reminds me of Elmer Fudd with hair!)

Sara: No no... that one who keeps tellin' ya..."Madam.. I am your Adam!"

Yeah I sorta burst out laughing after that.

It's not funny?? Oh well... I guess you just had to be there!

No matter where my man is from or where I am in this world... I'll make sure my kids don't forget their Indian roots. Every Wednesday will be Bollywood appreciation night! lolz I'd sooner stick a fork in my eye if my kids say something like, "Bollywood sucks. They're just dancing around trees!"

I know there will be a lot of moments where they will give me a hard time and I will say stuff like,

"Fergus, sit down and finish your homework, young man!"

"Optimus, take that finger out of your nose!"

"Voldemort... did you poop your pants again?"

"I don't care if the other girls have cell phones Farah Jr., you're just 7!"

"You're not getting any dessert until you finish those vegetables, Jack Sparrow!" (I wonder if he'll answer back like... "Captain Jack Sparrow, if you don't mind!)

"Asht, stop watching Family Guy... your impression of Stewie wanting to take over the world is really starting to worry me!"

But hey if my parents could do a pretty ok job with me, like their parents did a great job with them, I think I might pass my kids up as decent members of humanity! For now... I'm putting the biological clock on snooze again!

PS: Those names I mentioned... are not what I've picked for my children. I might consider Farah Jr. though.

Mindspill:

"Be nice to your kids. They will be the ones to pick your retirement home!"

I'm really flattered, but I'd make a terrible girlfriend!

Hello my lovely minions! How's everyone doing?

So this week I want to share a couple of experiences I've had when it comes to romance. Women... adore me. I have been hit on by women more than men. Apparently I give off some lesbian vibe. Either that or they think that just because I'm fat and I don't have a man next to me, I'm probably gay. Another stereotype! The first time a woman hit on me was in the ladies room of a club. She was this old, white lady who put her arm around waist, rubbed my butt and said.. "Well, you're thick and nice!" (when I see you guys remind me to do the accent... it's sooo funny) Sure she was drunk out of her mind but yeah the butt rubbing really freaked me out.

The second incident, was I was in the ladies room of a club (do you guys sense a pattern here? lolz) and this chick was like, "Hi... you're really cute. Are you partying at Mirchi?" And I was like "Thanks but no I was at Times and I'm heading home now." And she was like, "Aww that's too bad. Maybe I'll see you around." And I was like, "Sure. Bye now." I wasn't freaked out and she wasn't drunk. I didn't really pay much attention to it. The next week I was at the same place and she saw me and was like, "Hey remember we met in the bathroom last week?" And I was like, "Yeah hey, how are you?" And again she said, "Oh you really are sooo cute. Can I kiss you?" There was an awkward pause but then I was like, "Girl, I'm flattered and you are pretty but I don't swing that way. Plus I'd make a terrible girlfriend." And she looks at me and is like, "Oh no... no no! I'm not like that. I-I mean... you're cute and you have great skin and you remind me of my mom!" Yeah I just wanted to dig a hole right there and crawl into it. Honestly, at that point I'd rather be mistaken for a lesbian lolz. Dear Lord... do I really look that old? Of course I felt that mom comment was just to get back at me for not kissing her. Women are like that. Straight or gay... we get catty/bitchy when we don't get what we want. hahaha God bless the men who put up with us!

Now, speaking of homosexuality... I'm not gay. If I was... I'd be loud and proud! Like I'm loud and proud about me being fat. I really don't see what the big deal is. So your daughter likes boobs and your son likes dongs. They can't help it if they're gay. People have accepted interracial relationships but are still iffy about same sex marriages. Grow up. The world is changing. Being gay is not just about sex. They deal with the same issues everyone does in a relationship. I love watching Queer as Folk. I learned so much about the gay lifestyle. Plus, that Brian Kinney is soooooooooooooo hot and I absolutely adore Emmet. I wish I had a gay friend like Emmett.

So my lovelies... yeah I won't be talking just about my weight issues. It might get stale after sometime.

Mindspill of the week:

"If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man." Emmett, Queer as Folk