Breaking Free

Every time I watch an episode of The Biggest Loser, I have always wondered if I was in that show, would I make it till the end of the game? Or will I be eliminated in week 1 because I let my team down by not running fast enough? Today I realized one thing… I am never going to be a size 5, 6 or even 10. Right now I think I’m a size 26 and want to come down to size 16 or 18. Hell I’ll be happy with size 20.

I’m only trying to lose weight to be healthy, to have a good heart and try not to get diabetes or arthritis. All that is hereditary, so at one point whether I am a cow or a gazelle, one of these diseases will eventually hit me when I’m much older. Why let them get me in my footloose and fancy free days?

I know being fat has lots of disadvantages. I don’t get hired because of my weight. I don’t get a man because of my weight. Hell sometimes I feel even my friends are embarrassed of me because of my weight. (yeah I know you love me)

My friends have never, ever, set me up with anyone. I don’t blame them but come on. You all know I have a fantastic if not, a decent personality, right? Hook a fat girl up with a single guy you know. Tell that chode that I am fat, tell him I am huge… but at least let him get to know me. Is a date too much to ask? I won’t eat that much to run a huge bill, you big wuss! Big deal if I’m fat. What if I was thin and had a great body but I had a huge scar running across my face? What if I had a toned body and had bucked teeth and a huge mole on my cheek? Beauty does not last forever. And trust me when I say that us fat girls will have less wrinkles when we’re 75.

This is going out to all the guys out there… give us fat girls a chance. And I’m not talking to you perverts online or you drunken pubes at the bar that want to just hook up with a fat girl but don’t want to be seen in public with her when sober.

If that fat friend of yours is a sweet girl who makes you laugh and you like being around her, ask her out. You know you want to, she probably wants you to… suck it up and take the girl out on a date. BE A MAN! (as said by Russell Peters in a Chinese accent).

I know my man is out there somewhere. There has to be one guy in this world who will take on this fat, junglee, crazy ass bawi!

But I digress.

I’m giving up these rubbish diets and extreme workouts that don’t make me lose weight but sure do make me want to lose the will to live. I’m just going to change my lifestyle. I’m going to eat my regular meals, maybe a smaller portion and just go for little walks around the neighborhood. I have tried it all and left everything in the middle and taken the “fuck-it-all” pill way too many times. I don’t want to waste any more money on diet pills, exercise equipment, weight loss teas and fat burning pants (oh yeah I got those too). I have any way stopped eating junk food mainly because I’m jobless and don’t have a lot of spare cash on me. Whenever I did, I used to order in from KFC, Hardees, Karachi Darbar (yes I know their food is floating in ghee and oil but I love their butter chicken). But now I don’t crave it so much. I crave home cooked food like dahl and rice, beef stew, noodle soup, chicken curry, roast chicken, lasagna. I just don’t like eating out so much anymore.

I cook at home a lot these days and it’s so much more satisfying than eating something from a restaurant where I can’t control the amount of salt and oil that goes in my food. I’m not making the healthiest meals but I don’t deep fry, I use fresh wholesome ingredients. The oven is my best friend. I make popcorn chicken in the oven without a single drop of oil. I’m making soups from scratch. I made my first lasagna this year. Something I thought I could never do. And it was fantastic. Better than the thing I’ve eaten all these years at restaurants that pass the meaty pasta dish as a lasagna!

My unemployment has given me only one advantage… it showed me that I can be a good cook. I think I am good enough to cook a meal for Anthony Bourdain. Ok maybe not that good… Mr. Bourdain will chew me like gum and spit me out. If Mr. Anthony Bourdain is reading this… Uncle Tony… I’m not a very good or an experienced cook like you but I would love to take you out for a fantastic Parsi meal!

So do I have to starve myself to get a point across like Anna Hazare is doing? I think not! Now… take me to a Krispy Kreme store!

Welcome Friday Editor

Greetings my lovely readers, readers...readers...read.... (that would be an echo). This blog post is exclusive for the editor of Friday Magazine but the rest of you all can read it too. Perhaps leave some comments to convince the editor.

Dear Friday Editor,

I came across the advertisement for a freelance writer for your lovely magazine in Gulf News dated 26th July 2011. It was a warm, if not, really hot Tuesday afternoon as I was perusing the appointments section looking for a job. You see I have been unemployed since 2008 and have been looking for a writing opportunity like this to come my way.

The reason it took so long to send you my resume is because the samples of my work (all three of them) were filed under "Someday I'll be a writer... someday!" and I had not touched that section of my dreams for a very long time. So my experience in the press might be minimum but the dream to be a writer made me start this blog. Yes at first it was all about me and my weight issues but I think I am more than a fat girl, craving Krispy Kreme Doughnuts with a mouth to talk the ears off a parrot.

So dear Friday Editor, if you believe that I have the talent to work with your glossy magazine with it's amazing writers and photographers, please give me a chance to step down as the president of The Unemployment Club and join the real world again before I succumb to a secretarial job that might pay me a decent salary but like they say, if your job is what you love, then work becomes play.

With the best regards and sincerity,

Farah Sam Mistry

Happy Fathers Day

What can I say about the cool dude, who I used to call daddy when I was 4, dad when I was a teenager and baapu during the last few years of his life. Words like honesty, simplicity, generosity, creativity are too small words to describe my dad. He taught me many things but the most important lesson was to always be happy with my life. "Khodaiji ne shukrana karine, rehvanu." (Thank God for what you have).

He had his annoying moments where he would yell at the smallest issue and make a mountain out of a mole hill. And there was no way I would show him my report card or let him come to the parent teacher meetings at school because yours truly was a terrible student. The worst was when I used to get hurt, instead of saying soothing things to calm me, he'd be like, "Why can't you watch where you're going?" That was his way of showing concern. I understand that now.

Back in his day he was a great dancer and we would dance from Jive to Bollywood. And he was hilarious. When people talk about him, they always say how funny he was and that he had such a big heart. I hope I can be half the person he was. Love you baapu. Miss you loads!

Follying after months!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Yes I know I'm late and we're almost half way through it. But hey as they say... better late than never. (Who the hell are "they"? Ever wondered that?)

So 2010 has been a tough year. Went up and down my weighing scale. I'm starting my weight loss journey from scratch again. It's a vicious cycle that puts me on and off the wagon. Everytime I'm on it, the first few days I'm all yeah lets work out, lets eat healthy, lets cut down on sweets. But then I don't know what happens. I open my mouth for all the wrong reasons and I'm back to where I started.

I'm not making any promises to anyone that, this year I will be more serious about losing weight because I don't want to see that disappointed look on their faces and that disapproving/pitying head shake.

There have been shockers and smacks in the face about the consequences if I don't lose weight. I am a ticking bomb and anything can happen anytime. Yet after a few weeks of serious workout and healthy eating, I take a dose of "fuck it all" and go back to square one. I know my life will be better when I lose weight because it will open doors to numerous opportunities but the fat girl in me is screaming, "WHY?" "Why do I have to be pretty to get a job?" "Why do I have to be skinny to get a man?" "Why does the whole world revolve around what a person looks like?" "Why the fuck do Vampires sparkle in Twilight?" (Ok everyone's asking that, I guess. hehehe).

Recent physical developments in my life have given me a few shockers. I am scared out of my mind of the big D word. No not death. It's diabetes. It's in my family from both sides (dad had it and mom's mom had it). Maybe I'm a hypochondriac because sometimes I over react to any symptoms. (I was food poisoned last year and I thought I had swine flu). I have checked online for symptoms of high blood pressure and diabetes and it all boils down to my weight because I don't have any of the other symptoms except obesity. I am shit scared to go to a doctor to do any kind of check up. Because I know if something does come up it's going to be the "I told you so" look from people. I know should not care about that but I really am shit scared of finding out if something is wrong with me.

I looked up a few cures and control of diabetes and a big one is weight loss. So here I am embarking on a new journey to lose weight. I don't know if I will fall off the wagon but I will pull myself up and start over again. I'm not starting from day after, next week or tomorrow, but today. I've said it before and you all have heard it. I ask for forgive in advance if anyone is disappointed in the coming months.

And for the first time I will reveal my weight to the world. Only a handful of people know my weight. It's no big secret really. I'm sure many people must have guessed how much I weigh already. So here it is... get ready to MOOO! As of today, 24th May, 2011 my weight is 160 kg. Let me tell you, the day I started taking weight loss really seriously back in 2009, I weighed 168.9 kgs. For a year, on and off the wagon I lost about 15kgs (without much exercise, The Xardian is a clothes rack sometimes but I still go for a spin a couple of times a week).

I started a diet two days ago, thanks to my best friend Sara who inspired me to do so. She started hers last week and I started mine on 22nd May. (I kind of wanted to eat the best food before the end of the world on the 21st lolz)

It's not bad... so far so good. I get monstrously hungry and feel like eating steak, butter and wishing that I should've eaten that Molten Chocolate Lava Cake at Chilis on Saturday. But then again... that will always be around. If I don't keep my diet in check, I might not be around to see 30.

This one is only a 2 week diet that involves little or no carbs. I get my carbs in the form of wholemeal toast and cornflakes. After the diet I will eat right for another two weeks. Indulge in a little sugar and make that canelloni. Then I want to give up meat for two weeks and one thing I want to implement in my life is to eat raw food at least once a week. That is still a long shot because I still can't stand the taste of raw vegetables. So the raw food will most probably be in the form of fruit.

So here's to another round of the Battle of the Bulge. Hope this time I can kick the fat's ass. Until next time my lovelies. I will try to be regular. :)

The Shame Stick

Ok I know it's become a monthly blog now but I promise I'm gonna try to keep up and post more. Somehow I've run out of things to say but then again... that's impossible!

I recently saw an old episode of 'According to Jim', where Jim's brother in law, Andy, eats shame sticks to get over his ex girlfriend. Urbandictionary.com describes the shame stick as, "a peice of butter on a stick rolled in sugar. Usually eaten by fat over sized depressed losers."

I have eaten when I was depressed but I haven't come to a point where I'm going to reach for a shame stick. I do like butter and sugar separetly but together, if it's not mixed with flour and chocolate chips to make cookies, I'm really not interested.

I've often wondered why people reach for food when depression sinks in. There is a satisfying comfort in digging into a pint of ice cream or polishing off a cheesecake but you can't permanently get rid of depression by pigging out. That leads to weight gain and then you're depressed again. It's a vicious cycle.

I have seen many fat people on TV talk shows saying, "I don't know how I got fat!" Um hello... you were there when you reached for that piece of fried chicken smothered in bacon and cheese in between! (WTF was KFC thinking when it came up with this?? It's a shame-wich. lol I love fried chicken, cheese and the heavenly goodness that is bacon, but this is stretching it a bit too much!)

The point is that many of us fat people make a lot of excuses about being over weight/obese.

There was a time when I would tell people a long story about how when I was younger I had menstrual problems so I went to various doctors and they gave me hundreds of pills and I bloated because of that. Sure some pills I was given did make me pile on the pounds but I said "enough!" and stopped those pills. The weight gain didn't stop. So who's at fault here? The doctors? My hormonal body? The pills? You can't blame anyone for your weight gain or loss except yourself. I'm saying loss here because there are a lot of people who are obsessed with being skinny and become anorexic. I really can't stand it when thin people think that they are fat. It not only makes you feel sorry for them... and sometimes makes you look like some giant freak. hahaha

I've mentioned this before in my previous posts when strangers ask me how I got fat, I just say, "Because I like to eat!" It shuts them up for a while but then they start preaching again. I give them their moment in the sun because I know I won't see them again. At least I hope not!

Mindspill:

Chocolate is not love. Unless it's on Johnny Depp. ;)

Missed a couple of trains?

Yes I know this has gone from a weekly to monthly blog. But just when I think I've run out of juice, something comes up and I thank God that this is not going to be another dead blog for me. Of course I have also been working on another project. I'll reveal it when I feel I'm ready to unleash that to the world. I'm in the research and development stage of the project right now. But I promise it's going to be good because I am having fun right now getting it ready for the world to see!

I was chillin' with a friend the other day and of course we ended up talking about men. We crossed a topic about "the one the got away" and yes I do have this huge regret in my life about letting that one get away. Actually it's two that got away but I care less about the other one... he was just a thought of mine that came into my head on a lazy Friday afternoon... one of those "what if" moments but before I could say anything, it was too late. But it didn't really let it get to me because I didn't like the guy that much to regret anything.

Now this other one... he was such a great guy but I never looked at him that way. I honestly was interested in someone else. But the more I got to know him, I realized that we had such great chemistry together and had so many things in common. I did get a bit scared when he dropped very subtle hints but he didn't have the balls to be upfront about it and asked me out or anything. Then I was just thinking about us as a couple and it seemed to fit and it felt right. So when I finally decided to make my move, it was too late!!!

So the lesson here children, is that please let people know you like them and want to be more than friends. What's the worse that could happen? Rejection? Believe me, the pain you feel when that one gets away is worse than having someone shove a stick up your nose, swirl it around in your head and pull your brains out through your nostrils. (So help me! I watched a re-run of NatGeo's Mummy Road Show online). Now if I like someone I just tell them. I make sure I clear the fact that this won't affect our friendship. If the person starts to behave weirdly around you after you tell them your feelings, then that's not a good friend now is it?

Which brings me to my point... just because that one got away, it does not mean you should compromise and setlle down just because you have to. A friend of mine missed "the one" and got married to a total stranger last year just to get over that guy.

Never settle for anything less in life. Even if you want to compromise, make sure the person is not a total jerk and that you actually like them.

Mindspill:

So you missed a train... wait for the next one, it might take you to a better destination!

Drop the soap you healthy person!

I know it's been a long time since I've written. I hit a wall but I'm back on track. And here I want to be a writer! Yeesh! How are my minions doing? Did y'all miss me? I'm sitting here at home on another dull and boring Saturday. Honestly, when you're unemployed, it doesn't make a difference whether it's the weekend or not. In fact I dread weekends because the day seems twice as boring.

My lovely mother has become a bit anti-social and she prefers the company of the characters on the daily soaps than mine.

Speaking of characters on soaps, especially the women... these Indian girls are so beautiful but they always have a permanent expression of depression on their face. A person can explode with so much emotional trauma and can end up in a straight jacket in a padded room singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!"

Each show starts with the problem of marrying off the girl. Seriously... we are living in the 21st century now, Indian women have a lot more on their minds than marriage. And yes... we think about SEX too! *gasp* I said the S word! Check out the population of our country people, someone's doin' it right now!!

And why aren't there more shows with fat actors? Why do all guys have to look all chiseled with six packs? The new age Ramayan that came out two years ago, had Hunuman and Shri Ram with perfect washboard abs. And the girl in the soaps... always innocent, doe eyed and delicate and yes "the vamp" is always shown slutty. Have we forgotten Phoolan Devi? She didn't need to wear an open backed sari or a giant bindi with heavy make-up to be a badass bitch! The fat actor is mostly used as a comic relief. Fat people are not always jolly. Even Santa Claus can get pissed off... especially if you yank off his beard! (I speak from personal experience hahaha)

I am so glad that we had a show like Mahi Way. It was the story of every fat girl. I hope more fat actors (guys included) will get a chance to be the main lead in a story.

Anyways... I was having a conversation with someone the other day and they kept saying the word "healthy" when talking about fat/overweight people. Now from what angel do we fat people look healthy? Seriously... we have heart palpitations, we can't run fast, we have f-ed up eating habits... how can you call that healthy? I know you don't want to offend anyone but we know you mean fat when you say healthy.

Fat people are sensitive when we are ridiculed about our weight but in a general non-offensive conversation why does it seem offensive when someone says fat? As a fat person I know and accept that I am fat, large, big, huge so why say "healthy" just to be polite? Fat people out there should not feel offended if someone calls them fat in a non-offensive way. It's a fact. Look in the mirror... that's all you... all 200 pounds of you!

The main reason fat people are sensitive because since childhood they've been ridiculed by society and by their own family and friends. Hell a friend from my meek sensitive days actually told me, "Oh Farah, what guy will like you. You're so fat!" That hurt to the core. Mostly because of the jeering tone she had used and there were other people there too. Anyway it's all gone in the past now, but just so you know dear friend... guys do like me. I don't have to rely solely on looks or keep my shop open 24/7 to land a man! So fatties... the next time someone tells you that you are fat, tell them thank you... yes I am F(antastic)A(nd)T(errific)!

Mindspill:

Looks will eventually fade but it will be the personality in your golden years that will still make you attractive!