Where are my flowers?

I'm 33 years old... I have been in one semi-serious relationship that was leading to marriage and then a string of dates here and there (mostly on Tinder and the guys say bye bye if the result of said date does not come to sex. I do say good riddance to that). 

I have never been wooed by a guy. Never been given flowers or a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day. Is it because most men think fat girls are easy and that they should be grateful for any kind of attention they get so why bother with the whole wooing and dating? Lets just shut her pie hole with some food and get down to business. The so called "Business" is all very good but when the clothes come back on, there is a void and a string of lingering questions, "Am I really easy? Am I really not worth the effort or wait?"

Does my size really matter when it comes to romance? I know it shouldn't but seriously where are my flowers? Where is my candle light dinner? Where is my surprise weekend getaway? Where are my love letters? 

For a moment I decided to behave like a complete asshole (well like a man really haha) and adopt the "catch and release" policy when it came to dating and romance. But that's not me... I want to be wooed. I deserve to be wooed. I deserve those flowers. I deserve my hand to be held in public. I deserved to be kissed in public. 

I have never been on that side and I so want to be. I would love a good solid relationship with a man who knows what he's doing in life and not depend on a woman to pay his coffee/dinner bills. I have been that person and thought of well at least it's a date. (Not that I want a man to pay my bills... I believe in going dutch unless it's an invitation).

Besides being a curvy goddess, I am a strong, independent woman and it's a chore when you have to be your own Knight in shinning armor... more like Knight in white satin (you see what I did there Moody Blues fans? hehehe) Do guys fall for the damsel in distress because they feel more manly? Do I need to be one of those women who need to "have a man around to do the manly jobs"? I can open my own jar of pickles and swing a hammer when I have to. 

Most of the fat/overweight women I have come across have been strong and independent 

and have never been the damsel in distress because no one has given us that chance to be vulnerable. I even question if a guy shows genuine interest because I have been on the receiving end of a cruel "I really really like you" joke by a guy when I was very very young. Plus there are people who will always say shit like "How did she end up with him? He's so hot! He deserves better!" Honestly, I don't care about them but would he? Would he actually think that he deserves a prettier woman? Because I have been out on a date where a guy actually was staring at other women. Do we fat and independent women really deserve these jerks instead of flowers?

Love

    

It takes a lifetime to understand love. It is the simplest thing when it's between a parent and a child, between siblings, between friends and even the unconditional love of an animal towards a human being. 

But what of the other love? The one that makes your heart race a mile a minute? The kind that makes you want to run around trees and sing songs like in Bollywood movies? The kind you read about in books? The kind what Bryan Adams songs are all about?

This kind of love lifts you up one minute and makes you crash land the next. Love destroys you! But this is the kind of destruction you inflict upon yourself because for that nano-second it feels so amazing, that nothing else matters when you fall into it. 

Someone recently sent me a beautiful quote that reminded them of me; "You don't need a man, you need a goddamn warrior. Because you aren't just a woman, you're a goddamn goddess!" I was overwhelmed when I read that (and fiercely blushing in the middle of a Starbucks) because as much as I see myself as a strong and beautiful woman, I never really saw myself as a goddess. And it feels so good being called a goddess. Perfect I am not but a goddess... you're goddamn right I am and I do want a goddamned warrior because to love me is to fight for me and I don't mean in a physical fight... (although how hilariously cool would it be if it were a sword fight?). 

Loving me is easy and hard. The easy part is well... easy... I'm fun, I can be the best friend a guy can have, I give some really good hugs, I'm a fantastic cook, there will be a lot of laughter... to name a few. 

The hard part of loving me... I can be a little complicated, messy with issues but who isn't? We all are a little damaged because of our past but neither of us need anyone to fix us because all the fixing is done by ourselves. It gets easy when someone is there by our side. Seeing the flaws and still loving me. Seeing my scars (physical and emotional) and still loving me. It makes you want to change... not for that person but for yourself.

I am also not the conventional looking, arm-candy most men go for. The world will probably say, "What's he doing with someone like her?" I frankly won't care but what if he does? That's where the warrior comes in. Will he fight the world for me? Will he pick me up when someone knocks me down or stay on their side and make them change me because he's afraid of what they might think?

It's a great feeling to be in love and I've been in love before and I will again no matter how many times it may hurt. It's beautiful and totally worth it!

Mindspill: Let yourself fall in love even if you've been burned/rejected/hurt/destroyed in the past.

15 Things “Big Girls” are tired of hearing

I came across this hilarious article on a Facebook group called Voluptuous Vixens. It makes so much sense and yes we are so tired of hearing all those stupid stereotypical comments from family, friends and even strangers. The link to the article is at the bottom of this post. But here are my two cents on the 15 points. There are really 14 so I added point 15.

1.    “You’re not fat”: Yes I am. I have a big belly, chunky butt, huge tatas, fat arms, thick thighs and chubby calves (I have also been told I have delicious shoulders *giggles*) Fat is not a bad word that I find offensive. Calling me a fat bitch on the other hand…

  

2.    “I know you’re hungry”: Because if I don’t get fed every hour I turn violent and will eat puppies. Is that it??

3.    “Are you pregnant?”: Yes. It’s my 18^th month. *rolls eyes* Even skinny women with a little belly should never be asked that.

4.    “You have a pretty face”: Oh I have heard this so many times and it’s always followed by, “If only you would lose some weight you would look so beautiful”. Um eff you… but I think I am beautiful no matter what you or society says.

5.    “I just can’t gain weight”: Why do skinny chicks think that big girls are some expert on weight gain? Here’s some unsolicited advice… eat bacon. It’s annoying right? We feel the same way when you say, “Eat a salad”.

6.    “Just don’t eat so much”: Why is being fat always related to food? There is genetics, polycystic ovaries, side effects of medication being three reasons that make people gain weight. I have seen skinny people eat so much and not put on any weight. It’s called metabolism.

7.    “How did you let yourself get that big?”: It’s the same as asking, “Why are you so fat?” My response has always been, “Because I like to eat”. I also like the answer that was given in the article.

8.    “You should exercise”: Really? What is that runny, jumpy thing I do then?

9.     “Sure you want to eat that?”: Oh I give a big eff you to those people. So many times I have not eaten dessert because the food police thought a piece of cake would immediately increase their weight because they will also be tempted to eat it. Yeah… eff you. I’m gonna eat that piece of cake and no I won’t run like a mad person on the treadmill the next day to shed it off.

10.  “Have you tried this diet?”: Yes I have. And no I don’t like the taste of lettuce that’s why I don’t eat it. I eat a well balanced meal that has all the nutrients I need.

11. “Men only use fat women”: I think men use all kinds of women. Fat, thin, short, tall, bald, hairy, old, young… they want us all. They even want lesbians. Yes, there are some freaks out there who are ashamed to be seen in public with a fat woman and just use her in the bedroom. Those are called assholes.

12. “I have someone I want you to meet”: And it’s always a fat guy. I did date a fat guy and sure we looked good together because he was handsome and I’m effing gorgeous. But fat boy wanted me to lose weight so he could show the world that he had a beautiful partner. He also said it would be “for my own good” and that my “health will be better”. So I told him that if I do it, he has to do it too. And he thought he was perfect the way he was *rolls eyes* Mr. Personality he was not. Honestly, I like skinny guys. Do not judge me! You would not judge a skinny woman if she made that statement. Just like some people like blondes and some like brunettes, I just happen to like skinny guys. It’s a preference. Not that I don’t find fat or muscular guys attractive but they are not my type. My last couples of crushes have all been skinny and dorky. Hey… maybe I like dorks.

13. “You’re not healthy”: And just what is your definition of health? People say my weight will lead to all sorts of diseases… it might if I ate fried and sugary food every day and did not move my ass around. Well guess what? Skinny people also get diabetes. Skinny people also get heart disease. Skinny people are also unhealthy. So get off your high horse and respect heath at every size.

14. “Hey “Big Girl!””: I have no problem if you call me that. Don’t add the word “bitch” after “big”.

15. “Why don’t you get a weight loss surgery?”: I don’t judge people who get it done but it’s not for me. People have suggested me to do a gastric bypass only by looking at my outer appearance. I even considered it. But after I did a full research about the surgery and the side effects I decided not to get it done because it’s not worth it. 

365 Days of You

365 Days of You

Our paths collided in a place I had not been in a long time

Our eyes met while doing the most mundane task

Fate pushed me to be by your side

Your voice was so soothing, I was immediately at peace

Your touch was so gentle, I didn’t want to let go

Our thoughts were meshing into a beautiful friendship

Your sadness pierced my heart as my own

You got rid of my sadness with encouraging words

You saw the winner in me when I felt like the biggest loser

In a room full of beautiful people, you made this clown feel like a princess

Everyone is a blurry shape as you enter a room

Every sound is white noise when you speak

Even your silhouette puts a smile on my face

When you smile, I feel like the whole world is smiling at me

I don’t know what your feelings are towards me, but I am sure about mine

Your friendship means the world to me, so I keep my feelings locked inside my heart

The love you have for me, might not be the same I have for you

But I will carry it with me for the rest of my life

Spring has sprung and so have I

2013 was an eye opening year for me. At the end of the year, I was in a relationship. Why I was in it, I still don't know. Was I lonely? Did I think it's time for me to settle down and start a family life because I was already 30 and single? Was it because I thought I don't have anything else going on in my life? Was it just convenient to give up on a career I thought I would never have and settle down with a man who would provide for me and life would be easy? Was it because he was the first guy ever who asked me to marry him and scared I will never find anyone else?

The answer to that is all of the above. At the end of last year I was feeling very low. I was (still am) unemployed, I was single, I was not going out so much and I was not writing much. And then a man came into my life. From the first date I knew he was not for me. Even though we had a lot to talk about and we gelled together, I didn't see it happening for a lot of reasons. Now he was perfect when it came to my family, especially my mom... he was educated, well off, polite, nice, same religion (which was a huge plus point)... only on paper he was the perfect marriage material.

I decided to remain friends with him and that's it. But I loved the attention and the fact that a nice guy like him actually wanted me, made me want to give him a shot. Of course I was a little vulnerable when I decided that. But I thought hell I deserve to be treated like someone's lady.

One week into the relationship, we decided to get married. I wouldn't say I agreed with it but I went along with it. There were things I wanted to do before I got into the whole marriage and family life. But that nagging feeling in me made me want to be in this relationship because I thought no other man has wanted me and he does. And all around me everyone was getting married and having babies... and for a very long time I thought I wanted that. 

But after being in a relationship with someone who wanted me to change to suit his life, my whole outlook on marriage has changed. Do I really have to stop being myself to be in a relationship? I compromised on everything. Even stopped writing because I didn't really have time to myself because I was busy being the woman he wanted. I might not post much but I do write. I lost myself somewhere. My confidence was shot down. My self esteem was low. My spirit was shattered. The attitude about me and my body that had taken 29 years to develop had changed. I felt ugly! And I was going with the flow trying to make the relationship work. Sure he was a good provider but money can't buy everything. If I wanted to be with him for the money, what does that make me??? 

I do not want to bad mouth the guy because I have done enough of that and now I feel nothing for him. I don't even hate him. I feel nothing. And I realized that right now and I am glad to feel that I am completely over it. I was over him a long time ago. Yes, it was nice to have a man in my life but not someone who could not accept me the way I am. I might have said "I love you" but I don't think I ever meant it. And I apologize for that. Sometimes I wonder why I went against everything I believe in and decided to get married to this guy? But then a friend of mine told me, "We live in a place that is so fast paced that we look for something to hold on to as long as we can." I held on to for a month. I know it looks bad but it was going too fast and we both wanted different things. He wanted a wife and family. And I still don't know what I want but I know I don't want to settle down just yet. Besides settling down does not mean getting married and popping out kids. 

I don't have anything going on in my life right now. No job, no career, no money, nothing. I am the black sheep of the family who is 31 years old, still living with my mother, who I can't support financially. I am that unemployed, loser friend who can't afford more than two drinks at a bar or even travel often by cab to go meet friends or does not have any good holiday stories because I have never been on a real vacation. I am that girl who guys consider a great friend but will somehow start being awkward the moment they find out that I might have feelings for them.  

I refuse to be that girl any more. Sometimes I feel like going up to that guy friend of mine and asking him why he went all awkward on me when he found out I liked him. Is it that bad that a fat girl likes you?? I don't care about being the black sheep of the family but I damn to hell don't want them to think I can't handle tough situations. And yes I want to travel and live in different parts of the world. I want to live my life on my terms bending the rules only for people who are worth it. 

It took me a while to regain that confidence and I feel I have learned a very good lesson. First instincts are usually always right and I will never doubt them again. I have become stronger person after this and I refuse to look back. 

Mindspill: Listen to your gut... it's not always asking for food. 

Nothing like a bucket of blues to get you writing again, eh? And here I want to be a comedy writer.

She took three deep breaths, wiped off her tears and calmed herself. Her brain told her heart, “I told you so.” Her bruised heart lay there in her chest cavity, beating with sadness, beating with relief, beating with the strength to move on. The heart sat up, brushed off the sadness, put on a brave face, smiled and told the brain, “I am stronger than you think. It’s not the end of the world. Go learn some new facts about an ancient civilization.”

Sometimes when you are high on life and are having the best trip you’ve ever had, you get some information that will kill your buzz. I was feeling like I was at the top of the world and the universe just flicked me off and I fell at the bottom of a barrel… not just any barrel… a barrel that is used to store fish bait… the really stinky kind.

I am not going to go into details about what happened but it knocked the wind out of me. I suppose I was in denial when I heard of it the first time because I sure feel stupid right now.  I know in a few months I’ll be laughing and joking about it but I needed my reaction. I needed to curse the universe. I needed to pity myself. I needed to feel like a loser. I needed to vent. So I did. I even felt ugly (which didn’t make any sense)

So now a couple of hours later, I am sad but I will be ok. I am happy to get that information and glad that it’s out there before I did something that I would regret. I had my reaction. I waved around my middle finger to the universe. And I apologized to the universe as well. Things will get better. I will start climbing so I can be at the top of the world again. For now, I just want to be comfortably numb. And nope... not feeling ugly anymore. I am gorgeous... fat, dimples, stretchmarks and all. 

It's a Wonderful Life!

Hey everyone. How are y'all? I know it's been a while since I've updated. Sorry... been having a bit of a writer's block. I really need to get out of this funk. My life seems to be in a rut. I'm 30 years old, I'm unemployed and I'm single. Next step... crazy cat lady. haha No... that will never happen! (I still love my friends who are crazy cat ladies though hehe)

Anyway... last week I saw this old movie called, "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time. And at the last scene I just broke down and cried like a baby. It was not a sad ending. It was so happy, that I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears of joy just rolled down my face. 

The past 12 months have been a bit rough on me. I got screwed over by potential employers, some friends showed their true colors, I literally lost a part of my ceiling and floor at my family home in Mumbai, and financially it was rough as well. And well the love life was non existent. Just the usual pervs who wanted to be with me but not be seen with me. I want to be someone's reality NOT a fetish fantasy. Lets just say I dodged a huge bullet. 

I was sooo down in the dumps that my 30th birthday didn't feel special enough. (It was awesome and I loved all of it. But um... y'all forgot the cake. I love cake... please for the love of Dumbledore... don't forget it the next time) 

I was even having countless arguments with my best friend. In the end, we both realized that in a healthy relationship, there are fights, arguments, resentments and momentary lapse of judgement. But after all of that mess, our bond is stronger than ever. We'd marry each other if we didn't like men so much. 

My friends mean the world to me. Even when they royally fuck up, I always see the best in them and be there for them. These friends of mine... the good, the bad and the ugly, have been there for me, listening to me bitch about everything and asking why me and why not me and when will life change and why am I such a failure? 

Even the ones who have screwed me over, have come through on many occasions, lifting my spirits by encouraging me and giving me the strength to move on. The best thing anyone can say to me is, "You made my day!" Somehow I just love to lift people's spirits and see them smile. 

So I might not have a lot of money, not the body that is accepted by the world (I am still sexy no matter what people say), don't have a job... I still have what keeps me going and that is a wealth of friends. The old and the new and I have met some really nice people recently. They make me feel like a winner when I feel like a loser. They make me feel like Cinderella when I feel like the ugly step sister. And some give me the harsh truth about the world that I absolutely respect them for. 

'It's a Wonderful Life' made me realize what I already knew and had. It's an amazing movie and should be on your watch list. You will feel so amazing after watching it. Lets watch it together sometime and please bring tissues and ladies please don't wear any eye make-up unless you want to look like Alice Cooper. 

Mindspill: It's this picture below from "It's a Wonderful Life"

Disappointed

As you know I've put Fat Girl Follies on hiatus but I couldn't help doing another post. I'm busy working on my other blog Hungry Hungry Parsi, enjoying myself, cooking up a storm and almost burning my eyebrows off. The reason I am posting here, today is that not one person who used to encourage my writing has commented on my last post STOP! or said anything about my new venture. 

I was going through this blog yesterday and I realized that what I was writing was utter rubbish when it came to my weight. I felt I was degrading myself. Honestly, I don't mind joking about my weight... I'm a fat girl and I know society doesn't like fat so I'm humoring it and in the end the joke is on them. 

Like I said earlier, I have only in recent months come to terms with my body and I love my curves. When I wrote about my weight loss journey, I got a lot of encouragement from everyone and people appreciated my writing. It was only now that I realize that I was not losing weight for myself. I was doing it to please the people around me. Yes, I know that my weight has come in between many things but I expect my family and my friends to love me the way I am. 

You guys... yes all you friends and family out there reading this... tell me that it's for my own good. I will be healthy or else I will end up having so many diseases. All that mulled in my mind and at one point I actually freaked out and got an ECG done. My levels are all normal. My pressure, cholesterol and sugar are normal. I can be fat and healthy. Why do people feel, fat = unhealthy, I'll never understand. I have friends who are what society says, "normal weight" with breathing problems, high cholesterol and blood pressure issues. The biggest example I can give you guys is my father, bless his soul. He passed away in 2008 because of heart disease and diabetes. He was never fat or even slightly overweight. He was a boxer when he was young. He was athletic and used to play cricket and volleyball. He didn't have a big sweet tooth either but he ended up having diabetes. Stress and hereditary played a major role. I know I have to be careful because there is a chance I might get diabetes in the future but my weight has got nothing to do with it. 

I eat the right things even though I don't munch on salads. I exercise by dancing and cycling. I am doing what my body is capable of doing. And in the process if I lose or put on a few pounds then it's not going to bother me. 

What's annoying me right now is that you guys were so supportive and encouraging when I was losing weight. Now, when I have accepted my body and my fat, none of you have said a single word supporting my fat acceptance. I know you guys care about me but like I said... I can be fat and healthy. I just wish you guys would stop trying to change me and love me the way I am. I love you all and wouldn't change anything about either of you. I adore you all for caring about me, I really do but if I am happy in my own skin, why can't you all be happy for me? 

Mindspill: Love yourself the way you are, I do! 

STOP!

You either want to "in the name of love" or "collaborate and listen" or it's frickin' "HAMMERTIME!" Fat girl follies is going on a bit of a hiatus, y'all.  I lost my writing mojo for this blog.  

You know how I always used to talk about losing weight and loving myself no matter what? Well, I was not loving myself at all. I hated being fat. Because people around me hate the fact that I am fat. Always got the "Oh what a pretty face but so fat!" and "So smart and qualified but so fat!" Even friends and family did the same thing.  I love you all for being concerned about my health but it's time you all accept the fact that I am and will always be fat. On a doctor's chart, I'm morbidly obese. Just because I don't eat a salad does not mean I don't eat healthy. And because I like to sit a lot does not mean I don't exercise. I'm just not a fanatic freak who is obsessed about losing weight any more. I know what the health risks are but there are fat people out there who are healthy. I'll just change my lifestyle to be healthy with my fat. 

I've tried the diets and exercises and yes I do jump for joy when I see that I've lost weight but enough. I don't need people I love telling me, "You didn't get that job because you are fat!" I've never had a friend setting me up with a nice single guy they knew because "Oh dear lord... he won't like her... she's fat!" How do you know? Did his t-shirt say, "NO FAT CHICKS"? The best is when people try to hook a fat girl up with an old desperate guy or fat guy. I'm not into appearances. I like big guys, I like skinny guys, I like 'em slightly buff (just not the over buffed, bouncer types)... I don't care. He could have a third nipple, lazy eye or a lisp. But if he's stimulates my brain and makes me laugh... I'll soooo be attracted to him. 

I'm sick and tired of being discriminated and pushed aside because of my weight. Yes, I love to eat. Don't judge me if I'm going to take a third helping at the buffet. I shop at plus size store and ask for a larger size. Yeah I'm shit scared to sit on those plastic chairs  because I'm not embarrassed to break that damn chair, I will be in pain because I fell on my ass.  

This past month I've been going through a lot of websites and blogs about being who you are and accepting yourself. I've met many men who love curvaceous and fat girls like me (too bad they don't live anywhere near me). I've met fat women who are so amazing it makes me realize what an idiot I've been by spending my time and money on those diets, doctors and exercise equipment (and no the Xardian is not for sale. It makes me feel like I'm riding a Harley) 

Whew... what a rant! So I'm putting this blog on hiatus and concentrating on my new blog which is called Hungry Hungry Parsi. It's all about my biggest passion. FOOD! I love to cook, feed and eat! I'd rather write about something I love, something I'm passionate about, than rant about how a fat girl like me is shortchanged everywhere. 

Here is the link to Hungry Hungry Parsi http://hungryhungryparsi.blogspot.com/

I know there are many of you out there who will disagree with me and think that I've given up. I've just given up the illusion that I will be accepted only if I lose weight.  

My folly of the day is: "I'm fat. I'm here to stay. GET USED TO IT!"

Happy World Daughters Day

Today is World Daughters Day and I feel so lucky to be alive.  I come from a country with an amazing culture, intelligent minds and beautiful people.  I love India and I am proud to be an Indian.  But no country is perfect.  Everyone has flaws and one of the biggest flaws of my India is female foeticide.  Female Foeticide is defined as aborting a foetus because it's female.  

I am appaled by the number of people who get rid of the baby when they find out that a girl child is born.  Girl or boy, every life has value.  Watching Aamir Khan's show back in May, made me realize that many people in India still consider a girl to be a burden of society.  How can a woman tell another woman... get rid of that little girl inside you, because I want a grandson so he can continue our family name.  Seriously?  Lady... if your parents had thought of the same thing, neither you or your dumbass son would've been here. 

Sex determination of a foetus is considered to be illegal due to many people aborting the child if it turns out to be a little girl.  And what is more shocking is that doctors don't give a crap as long as a big bundle of Gandhis is placed in their pockets to shut them up.  (We have Gandhi on our currency notes).  

Today I feel lucky to be alive because my parents wanted me whether I was a Farah or a Freddy.  And I want to do so much for little girls in India.  One of my biggest dreams is to open a school for little kids epecially girls.  Parents from poor families don't want to send their girls to school because they think that at the end of the day she is going to get married anyway so why waste money on teaching her.  I want to take them off the streets and put them in schools.  The ugly truth about India is that we consider it to be great but we never think about the little lives that lurk in the shadows, who want to wear that crisp, clean uniform, who want to have a load of books to carry on their shoulders instead of their baby siblings.  

I just want to ask these so called pillars of society that if you can worship an idol of a Goddess made out of stone and clay, why are you killing a life that is created in her image?  Get out of the dark ages people... you have no idea what a girl can do.  

Shake it up without makeup!

I got inspired by an article written by an old school mate of mine, Tina. And she has this fantastic idea of all of us putting up a picture sans makeup. I know it seems bizarre. I mean smite me if I go out anywhere without my trusty eye liner or gloss... sometimes I even put on some eye liner even when I'm chillin' at home.

Reading Tina's article really hit home especially the part about women justifying their reason to eat. I have so many friends who do that and what the weird part is that most of them are skinny. Me being a fat girl, I am never guilty about eating anything and I have never had any regrets for eating a little more butter.

I have friends who say things like, "After this meal, I'm hitting the gym." "Oh I forgot to eat lunch so this dinner hits the spot." Can someone please explain this concept of forgetting to eat. I know you can be busy but doesn't your stomach send signals to your brain like, "Helloooo up there. Can you please send some food down here??" (y'all are reading this in an Indian accent, aren't you? You know, the one that the rest of the world thinks we sound like but don't? lolz)

They are enjoying the meal but think about what their friend might say if they took an extra helping of chicken.

As for my fellow fat girls... you talk about being a big beautiful woman but yet you have this slight guilt in you when you eat more than a thin girl. Get real. I know that big robust body needs that amount of energy. If I could eat it I would go all Coach Beiste on a turducken! That's a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey.

Coach Shannon Beiste is the football coach in Glee played by Dot Marie Jones. She is a beautiful and awesome actress who plays an inspiring character in Glee. Even I hate it when my guy friends call me "dude"! Can you not see the breasts, boys? Must we put a neon sign pointing towards them. Not that we have to... that's one thing y'all always look at. (Especially when we walk through the frozen food aisle in supermarkets brrrr)

Now back to the makeup. When it comes to make up the only thing I like to put on is eyeliner and lip gloss... unless it's a formal do and I have to put the whole face on with foundation and rougue and eye shadow. I'm not saying I don't enjoy putting on makeup. I do love it when I add a little touch of pink on my cheeks or blue on my eyelids. Or the goth makeup that freaks my mother out! lolz

Makeup is supposed to enhance your natural beauty, not put a mask on your face to hide who you really are. Plus some of these foundations claim to be sweat proof but gawd they are sooo not. One wipe and it's gone. Only my eye shadow stays on at the end of the evening and I hardly ever re-apply anything.

My mom hardly puts on any make-up except on occasions and her skin is flawless. My grandmothers never did. My grandpa threatened to never kiss my grandma if she put on lipstick. And quite frankly girls, guys prefer women who look natural. If a guy sees you waking up in the morning looking like a squashed bug and stays... he's a keeper! (I can hear all Indian auntie-jis going... "What do you mean by keeper? Won't that be your husband waking up next to you? And why are you waking up after him? You should've been up an hour ago, made yourself presentable and made him bed tea! lolz I kid the auntie-jis!)

So why don't we all join this awesome movement Tina started and put up our pictures without makeup. First on the SheLovesMagazine page on facebook, then on your own wall (put it up as a profile pic), on Twitter and any other online community you are a part of. Just type in "Hey World! It's me, ________ (you name here). Without Makeup."

Now I'm thinking... if only I did not have that task of putting on the mask of make-up, I would've had the lady balls to go up and talk to this guy I saw a couple of weeks ago in Mumbai. Instead I was going in and out of the bathroom checking to see if my make-up was alright. Oh the guy really stumped me. I froze. But that is a story for another time. I swear I will get around to it. But here are the links.

Tina's article: http://shelovesmagazine.com/2012/tgif-are-you-there-world-its-me-tina-without-makeup/

She Loves Magazine's official website: http://shelovesmagazine.com/

Facebook link to SheLovesMagazine: http://www.facebook.com/SheLovesMagazine

And this is me without any makeup, right out of bed. :) Thanks Tina! You ROCK!

Last Year of the 20's.

So I'm turning 29 tomorrow. Am I scared? Not at all. Am I nervous? Nope. Somehow I have managed to live my life with no regrets. Yes I have had the "I should have" moments... like, "I should have studied more", "I should have eaten that last cookie", "I should have just spoken to that guy!" (Yeah we are going to discuss that last one in my next post) But have I regretted all that? Not really. Because something better always comes my way. :)

According to the Parsi calender I'm already 29 and I had a great time with my family. I got 3 cakes!! It was a cake fest for at least four days... for Mute Button and W3 at least. I am trying to stick to some of my diet. Although I did eat a nice piece of each of the cakes. Gotta taste it baby! What's the point of just having your cake and not eating it. What are you going to do by just looking at it? Frame it... so it stays with you forever??? It's a cake... it's meant to be eaten. Like Johnny Depp is meant to enter my mind as Capt. Jack Sparrow at least once a day and what I do with that mental image is my business.

I had made a list of things to do before I am 30 and one of them was to have a bikini body... by bikini body I meant be a size 5. Now I mean... "Hey they have plus size bikinis too!" But then I want to do the world a favor and not step out on the beach wearing something that will be flossing my butt.

Another is learn to play the guitar. I need to fulfill my ROCKSTAR dreams!

Learn another language. I am currently learning Italian thanks to my friend Sara. I think she has learned more Gujarati than I have learned Italian.

These are just a few of the things to do before I touch 30.

So readers.... dear readers... as I grow another year older, another inch wider/leaner, all I ask is for you to wish me all the best in achieving my dreams. It's a lot cheaper than putting Johnny Depp in his Capt. Jack costume and shipping him to Mumbai at my door step. I think W3 will probably think he's some weird baba and hit him with a stick. Also the best wishes are legal. hahaha

Love you all loads.

Bai Wars

What is the most important thing a woman needs in Mumbai? It’s not a car, it’s not a job, it’s not even a boyfriend. The most important thing to have in Mumbai is a Bai! To my non desi friends, a bai is a housekeeper/maid/lifeline/an evil overlord who knows that she rules the house. Without her life is a standstill, time just seems to stop. Then there are bais that stay 24/7 if needed and that’s the situation I am in.

I live with two bais - one is my right hand and the other is my henchman. Now I don't want to rant about the bais like an old Parsi maaiji but I say "OH MY GAAAWD!" at least 50 times a day (and not in the way I'd rather say which would involve a member of the opposite sex... are you listening/reading Johnny Depp?)

The bai has some kind of weird power over you and she knows that if you fire her, it's not going to be easy finding a replacement.

What is the weird part is that back in Dubai, we never had a stay at home bai. We have a Bangladeshi fellow who comes to clean the house twice a week and we soooo have a communication problem because all I hear from his mouth is "mashed potatoes mashed potatoes". But other than sweeping and mopping, we pretty much do everything else... wash clothes, do the dishes, dust... etc.

Somehow in Mumbai since I have two bais, I sooo don't want to even wash my coffee cup. I have a reason... don't think I'm getting lazy here. The reason is that 80% of the time they are just chillin' in front of the TV. (I don't bother watching my own TV in my own home because I don't want to disturb the bais programs... believe me... serials are like crack to them) and I want them to get off their asses and do some work!

I have seen lots of bais in my lifetime but the one I have right now... lets call her the Wicked Witch of the West or W3... is the biggest pain in the ass. Her life's mission is to meddle in all of my business, bully/boss/police me. Even my mom does not do that. And the only reason I am keeping my mouth shut is because what will I do if she leaves?? lolz

The other one... lets call her Mute Button, hardly speaks. Both the bais take care of my grandma and both are supposed to equally share the work but W3 after cooking and usual grandma duties, sits in front of the TV, remote in hand like she owns the house. And her voice... is like the love child of a loudspeaker and a home theater system had "relations" with a parrot! There is one advantage of that... it's the best alarm clock if I need to wake up early. "FARAH FARAH FARAH!"

Anyways... more on bais in another post. I might have created a butt groove in the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf couch and the waiters are looking at me like, "Go away lady." So till next time... I will bring you another experience from Mumbai - The City of bais, bhais and surnames like karhai! (Will be posting a detailed entry about Parsi surnames soon!)

Mee Mumbaikar

Welcome to the latest version of Fat Girl Follies live from Mumbai, India. Yes, it’s official. I have moved to Mumbai, hopefully permanently. I say hopefully because every day the city gives me reminders of why my parents moved to Dubai in the first place.

I had always wanted to move back here since the past couple of years now and every time I made plans to come down to Mumbai on vacation, I would tell myself that I will stay back this time. But that never happened and I would come back to Dubai/Sharjah and crib how miserable my life is.

But come September 2011, one morning at 5 am, I woke up and thought, that’s it… I’m outta here. I told mom that for me to make my move to Mumbai the first I need to do is book my flight. If a flight is booked there is no going back (well there is but cancellation charges are so not worth it lolz). So around the second week of September, my mom booked our flight for 13^th October and I broke the news to my friends.

Some reacted like I was going to die and that it was an end of an era but they were happy for me because they agreed that Mumbai is what I really needed.

The last three weeks in Dubai were crawling by so slow even snails seemed to zip past me. My last weekend there was fun because my girls threw me a surprise farewell and I told them that it’s not goodbye because I anyway have to come back every six months to keep my residence visa. Besides, even living there I was seeing them every couple of months anyway. And how far is Mumbai really? I’ve been stuck in traffic longer than the 2.5 hour flight.

Do I miss my friends? Sure I do. But it’s not that I don’t have any out here. The misfit bunch I hang out with here in Mumbai can put every college movie character to shame. And I love the fact that in such a short time they accepted me into their world.

So this post is dedicated to my friends in Mumbai. Thank you for accepting this crazy, junglee bawi.

See you on the flip side.

A New Life

Well saddle up the horses and get ready Mumbaikars because this fat girl is about to land in M-Town.

I have packed my bags and saying goodbye for now to Dubai/Sharjah and starting a new life in my favorite place in the world... Mumbai.

You know sometimes you get this feeling that life in another place will change. I think I will find a good career, find love and find myself.

The only thing I will miss is my friends and of course Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. I haven't cried and I'm not going to cry because I am happy to move on with my life. I'm not even sad because how far is Dubai really. :)

But since I couldn't say it in my own words here is a poem by E.E. Cummings, called I carry your heart with me. It pretty much sums up what I want to say to my friends.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is

your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind

can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Love you all! See you on the flip side (or whenever I get my internet connection in Mumbai)

Bodyguard

So this is a Fat Girl Follies first. I'm going to review movies over here as well and what better way to start than with a Salman Khan movie.

First let me get this out of the way... this was waaaaaaay better than Karzzzzzzz. I was bored in the first half of Bodyguard but I didn't feel like jamming a stick up my nose and make milkshake out of my brains like when I saw Karzzzzz. I'm just glad that Himmes-bhai has gone back to doing what he does best and that's making music. (Sorry makers of Karzzzz... I know you worked hard on the movie but you don't touch original movies like Karz)

In the first half of the movie I was like, "Salman darling... I adore you but I must draw the line somewhere. Ghar ke logg hai, ok you want to help out as many people as you can but pardon my French... WTF??" But somehow he managed to salvage the movie in the last 30 mins. I actually did like that fight sequence and this time it was water that took his shirt off. I wonder if in the next one, fire will burn it off. (Should I copyright this fire burning shirt idea? lolz)

And I know Lovely Singh is the Bodyguard and he's supposed to be very buff and body shody but why was he walking like he was carrying a coconut under each of his armpits? Oh well. At least I got to see what I've always wanted to see... Salman making his pecs dance.

On the whole... if you are a Salman Khan fan and want to see him prosper, go to the cinema and spend some money to see it. Otherwise wait for the DVD to come out or the channel COLORS will show it in 2-3 months.

Now I'm going into Bodyguard recovery by watching Dabangg.

Breaking Free

Every time I watch an episode of The Biggest Loser, I have always wondered if I was in that show, would I make it till the end of the game? Or will I be eliminated in week 1 because I let my team down by not running fast enough? Today I realized one thing… I am never going to be a size 5, 6 or even 10. Right now I think I’m a size 26 and want to come down to size 16 or 18. Hell I’ll be happy with size 20.

I’m only trying to lose weight to be healthy, to have a good heart and try not to get diabetes or arthritis. All that is hereditary, so at one point whether I am a cow or a gazelle, one of these diseases will eventually hit me when I’m much older. Why let them get me in my footloose and fancy free days?

I know being fat has lots of disadvantages. I don’t get hired because of my weight. I don’t get a man because of my weight. Hell sometimes I feel even my friends are embarrassed of me because of my weight. (yeah I know you love me)

My friends have never, ever, set me up with anyone. I don’t blame them but come on. You all know I have a fantastic if not, a decent personality, right? Hook a fat girl up with a single guy you know. Tell that chode that I am fat, tell him I am huge… but at least let him get to know me. Is a date too much to ask? I won’t eat that much to run a huge bill, you big wuss! Big deal if I’m fat. What if I was thin and had a great body but I had a huge scar running across my face? What if I had a toned body and had bucked teeth and a huge mole on my cheek? Beauty does not last forever. And trust me when I say that us fat girls will have less wrinkles when we’re 75.

This is going out to all the guys out there… give us fat girls a chance. And I’m not talking to you perverts online or you drunken pubes at the bar that want to just hook up with a fat girl but don’t want to be seen in public with her when sober.

If that fat friend of yours is a sweet girl who makes you laugh and you like being around her, ask her out. You know you want to, she probably wants you to… suck it up and take the girl out on a date. BE A MAN! (as said by Russell Peters in a Chinese accent).

I know my man is out there somewhere. There has to be one guy in this world who will take on this fat, junglee, crazy ass bawi!

But I digress.

I’m giving up these rubbish diets and extreme workouts that don’t make me lose weight but sure do make me want to lose the will to live. I’m just going to change my lifestyle. I’m going to eat my regular meals, maybe a smaller portion and just go for little walks around the neighborhood. I have tried it all and left everything in the middle and taken the “fuck-it-all” pill way too many times. I don’t want to waste any more money on diet pills, exercise equipment, weight loss teas and fat burning pants (oh yeah I got those too). I have any way stopped eating junk food mainly because I’m jobless and don’t have a lot of spare cash on me. Whenever I did, I used to order in from KFC, Hardees, Karachi Darbar (yes I know their food is floating in ghee and oil but I love their butter chicken). But now I don’t crave it so much. I crave home cooked food like dahl and rice, beef stew, noodle soup, chicken curry, roast chicken, lasagna. I just don’t like eating out so much anymore.

I cook at home a lot these days and it’s so much more satisfying than eating something from a restaurant where I can’t control the amount of salt and oil that goes in my food. I’m not making the healthiest meals but I don’t deep fry, I use fresh wholesome ingredients. The oven is my best friend. I make popcorn chicken in the oven without a single drop of oil. I’m making soups from scratch. I made my first lasagna this year. Something I thought I could never do. And it was fantastic. Better than the thing I’ve eaten all these years at restaurants that pass the meaty pasta dish as a lasagna!

My unemployment has given me only one advantage… it showed me that I can be a good cook. I think I am good enough to cook a meal for Anthony Bourdain. Ok maybe not that good… Mr. Bourdain will chew me like gum and spit me out. If Mr. Anthony Bourdain is reading this… Uncle Tony… I’m not a very good or an experienced cook like you but I would love to take you out for a fantastic Parsi meal!

So do I have to starve myself to get a point across like Anna Hazare is doing? I think not! Now… take me to a Krispy Kreme store!