2013 was an eye opening year for me. At the end of the year, I was in a relationship. Why I was in it, I still don't know. Was I lonely? Did I think it's time for me to settle down and start a family life because I was already 30 and single? Was it because I thought I don't have anything else going on in my life? Was it just convenient to give up on a career I thought I would never have and settle down with a man who would provide for me and life would be easy? Was it because he was the first guy ever who asked me to marry him and scared I will never find anyone else?
The answer to that is all of the above. At the end of last year I was feeling very low. I was (still am) unemployed, I was single, I was not going out so much and I was not writing much. And then a man came into my life. From the first date I knew he was not for me. Even though we had a lot to talk about and we gelled together, I didn't see it happening for a lot of reasons. Now he was perfect when it came to my family, especially my mom... he was educated, well off, polite, nice, same religion (which was a huge plus point)... only on paper he was the perfect marriage material.
I decided to remain friends with him and that's it. But I loved the attention and the fact that a nice guy like him actually wanted me, made me want to give him a shot. Of course I was a little vulnerable when I decided that. But I thought hell I deserve to be treated like someone's lady.
One week into the relationship, we decided to get married. I wouldn't say I agreed with it but I went along with it. There were things I wanted to do before I got into the whole marriage and family life. But that nagging feeling in me made me want to be in this relationship because I thought no other man has wanted me and he does. And all around me everyone was getting married and having babies... and for a very long time I thought I wanted that.
But after being in a relationship with someone who wanted me to change to suit his life, my whole outlook on marriage has changed. Do I really have to stop being myself to be in a relationship? I compromised on everything. Even stopped writing because I didn't really have time to myself because I was busy being the woman he wanted. I might not post much but I do write. I lost myself somewhere. My confidence was shot down. My self esteem was low. My spirit was shattered. The attitude about me and my body that had taken 29 years to develop had changed. I felt ugly! And I was going with the flow trying to make the relationship work. Sure he was a good provider but money can't buy everything. If I wanted to be with him for the money, what does that make me???
I do not want to bad mouth the guy because I have done enough of that and now I feel nothing for him. I don't even hate him. I feel nothing. And I realized that right now and I am glad to feel that I am completely over it. I was over him a long time ago. Yes, it was nice to have a man in my life but not someone who could not accept me the way I am. I might have said "I love you" but I don't think I ever meant it. And I apologize for that. Sometimes I wonder why I went against everything I believe in and decided to get married to this guy? But then a friend of mine told me, "We live in a place that is so fast paced that we look for something to hold on to as long as we can." I held on to for a month. I know it looks bad but it was going too fast and we both wanted different things. He wanted a wife and family. And I still don't know what I want but I know I don't want to settle down just yet. Besides settling down does not mean getting married and popping out kids.
I don't have anything going on in my life right now. No job, no career, no money, nothing. I am the black sheep of the family who is 31 years old, still living with my mother, who I can't support financially. I am that unemployed, loser friend who can't afford more than two drinks at a bar or even travel often by cab to go meet friends or does not have any good holiday stories because I have never been on a real vacation. I am that girl who guys consider a great friend but will somehow start being awkward the moment they find out that I might have feelings for them.
I refuse to be that girl any more. Sometimes I feel like going up to that guy friend of mine and asking him why he went all awkward on me when he found out I liked him. Is it that bad that a fat girl likes you?? I don't care about being the black sheep of the family but I damn to hell don't want them to think I can't handle tough situations. And yes I want to travel and live in different parts of the world. I want to live my life on my terms bending the rules only for people who are worth it.
It took me a while to regain that confidence and I feel I have learned a very good lesson. First instincts are usually always right and I will never doubt them again. I have become stronger person after this and I refuse to look back.
Mindspill: Listen to your gut... it's not always asking for food.