Where are my flowers?

I'm 33 years old... I have been in one semi-serious relationship that was leading to marriage and then a string of dates here and there (mostly on Tinder and the guys say bye bye if the result of said date does not come to sex. I do say good riddance to that). 

I have never been wooed by a guy. Never been given flowers or a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day. Is it because most men think fat girls are easy and that they should be grateful for any kind of attention they get so why bother with the whole wooing and dating? Lets just shut her pie hole with some food and get down to business. The so called "Business" is all very good but when the clothes come back on, there is a void and a string of lingering questions, "Am I really easy? Am I really not worth the effort or wait?"

Does my size really matter when it comes to romance? I know it shouldn't but seriously where are my flowers? Where is my candle light dinner? Where is my surprise weekend getaway? Where are my love letters? 

For a moment I decided to behave like a complete asshole (well like a man really haha) and adopt the "catch and release" policy when it came to dating and romance. But that's not me... I want to be wooed. I deserve to be wooed. I deserve those flowers. I deserve my hand to be held in public. I deserved to be kissed in public. 

I have never been on that side and I so want to be. I would love a good solid relationship with a man who knows what he's doing in life and not depend on a woman to pay his coffee/dinner bills. I have been that person and thought of well at least it's a date. (Not that I want a man to pay my bills... I believe in going dutch unless it's an invitation).

Besides being a curvy goddess, I am a strong, independent woman and it's a chore when you have to be your own Knight in shinning armor... more like Knight in white satin (you see what I did there Moody Blues fans? hehehe) Do guys fall for the damsel in distress because they feel more manly? Do I need to be one of those women who need to "have a man around to do the manly jobs"? I can open my own jar of pickles and swing a hammer when I have to. 

Most of the fat/overweight women I have come across have been strong and independent 

and have never been the damsel in distress because no one has given us that chance to be vulnerable. I even question if a guy shows genuine interest because I have been on the receiving end of a cruel "I really really like you" joke by a guy when I was very very young. Plus there are people who will always say shit like "How did she end up with him? He's so hot! He deserves better!" Honestly, I don't care about them but would he? Would he actually think that he deserves a prettier woman? Because I have been out on a date where a guy actually was staring at other women. Do we fat and independent women really deserve these jerks instead of flowers?

Love

    

It takes a lifetime to understand love. It is the simplest thing when it's between a parent and a child, between siblings, between friends and even the unconditional love of an animal towards a human being. 

But what of the other love? The one that makes your heart race a mile a minute? The kind that makes you want to run around trees and sing songs like in Bollywood movies? The kind you read about in books? The kind what Bryan Adams songs are all about?

This kind of love lifts you up one minute and makes you crash land the next. Love destroys you! But this is the kind of destruction you inflict upon yourself because for that nano-second it feels so amazing, that nothing else matters when you fall into it. 

Someone recently sent me a beautiful quote that reminded them of me; "You don't need a man, you need a goddamn warrior. Because you aren't just a woman, you're a goddamn goddess!" I was overwhelmed when I read that (and fiercely blushing in the middle of a Starbucks) because as much as I see myself as a strong and beautiful woman, I never really saw myself as a goddess. And it feels so good being called a goddess. Perfect I am not but a goddess... you're goddamn right I am and I do want a goddamned warrior because to love me is to fight for me and I don't mean in a physical fight... (although how hilariously cool would it be if it were a sword fight?). 

Loving me is easy and hard. The easy part is well... easy... I'm fun, I can be the best friend a guy can have, I give some really good hugs, I'm a fantastic cook, there will be a lot of laughter... to name a few. 

The hard part of loving me... I can be a little complicated, messy with issues but who isn't? We all are a little damaged because of our past but neither of us need anyone to fix us because all the fixing is done by ourselves. It gets easy when someone is there by our side. Seeing the flaws and still loving me. Seeing my scars (physical and emotional) and still loving me. It makes you want to change... not for that person but for yourself.

I am also not the conventional looking, arm-candy most men go for. The world will probably say, "What's he doing with someone like her?" I frankly won't care but what if he does? That's where the warrior comes in. Will he fight the world for me? Will he pick me up when someone knocks me down or stay on their side and make them change me because he's afraid of what they might think?

It's a great feeling to be in love and I've been in love before and I will again no matter how many times it may hurt. It's beautiful and totally worth it!

Mindspill: Let yourself fall in love even if you've been burned/rejected/hurt/destroyed in the past.